COUNCIL CUTS CRIPPLE LOCAL ECONOMY

Prime Cuts

Panchestor Town Hall             Photograph: Ricalton

Financial cuts have ripped through the very fabric of Green Hills society.

The extraordinary meeting of Panchestor and Hornstown councils has resulted in cut backs to almost all areas of life. Councillor Ian Hartfield of Hornstown and the Panchestor mayor, Ronald P. Downbottom made the announcements on the steps of Panchestor Town Hall.

Mayor Downbottom

Hardest hit by the cuts were Handicapped Horses Holiday Homes and the Forest Reclamation Yard, which have received a winding up order.

Mrs. Veronica Quillet, zoo manager and board member of HHHH said “This is a sad day for our less fortunate equine friends.

“Who, if not us, will give these horses the holidays they so richly deserve. Take Dobber, the coal merchant's horse, he struggles on day after day despite a congenital fetlock defect. Dobber's only joy in life was his annual holiday – what has he got to look forward to now? And all this coming on top of the cruel attacks on my beaver”. Mrs. Quillet was exposed last week in this very newspaper for using stuffed animals at the zoo.

Artie Sim, FRY Director.
In Forestry Safety Clothing

Artie Sim of FRY said, “I can't blame the council really. It never caught on. No one wants forests these days”. The forests remaining in the yard will now be turned into garden furniture.

Also hit is the Sexual Education Programme – from Friday they will only congregate twice a week, Panchestor Institute of Grocers will merge with Hornstown Organisation of Grocers, and next year's Horse Fair will have to be funded by the private sector.

Flannelette

The police budget will be cut by 4%; council budgets are frozen for two years; and the foreign office staff will be halved – as yet it is not known whether it will be Mr. Plint or Mr. Grim who has to leave.

Pensions will be frozen this year, but pensioners will not, as a flannelette allowance will now kick in should the temperature drop below zero.

The 8% defence cuts mean that no new helmet plumage will be allocated for the next two years. “We will just have to hold onto our hats”, said Colonel Sherman Glasscock of the Green Hills Light Division.

As One Curtain Closes, Another One Opens

Sarah Churchlikka with the Magna Court Ensemble

The run of Get Up Them Stairs ends at the Royal Court Theatre on Friday. The attendances did drop after the violent death of superstar Violet Phipps, but understudy Gayle Gale gave it her best. Hornstown's own star actor/director, Horatio Garraway said, “It was difficult, but I made it through the nights. I will now go to Cocktwaite and immerse myself in yoga – I have a new mat”.

Taking over the theatre on Saturday for one week is the European soprano Sarah Churchlikka. Miss Churchlikka will be accompanied by the Fabulous Magna Court Ensemble.

As well as performing works by Puccini, Verdi and Mozart, Miss Churchlikka will sing hymns written by Panchestor's own Father Andrew Farrell – including his most famous hymn, O Lord thou art winsome.

Phipps Murder Latest

Rabies Shot

Davy Tock, prime suspect in the Violet Phipps murder case has been apprehended. Tock was caught on Tuesday in the upper reaches of the Green Hills, and is now in Panchestor hospital suffering from hypothermia and what appear to be animal bites.

Mr. Tock is now under armed guard in the Royal Hospital where he is expected to stay for the next week. He is receiving a prophylactic rabies treatment for the bites.

DI Dirk Sunburn, at the bedside of Tock, said, “This case is not closed. We will interview Davy Tock when he regains consciousness. Oh my Lord, what is that? A needle? Rabies Shots? But its so... Oh, the unparalleled horror of it... ”

Allibabi

The End Of A Fair

The Horse fair has finished and the Tock family, have left the county with their rides and stalls. As the carts rolled through Panchestor, matriarch Irene Tock cried out, “we will be back for Davy. A curse upon your loins”.

Pastor's Field was not as busy as previous years. Organisers believe that the negative publicity surrounding the murder of Miss Phipps had discouraged visitors. The second week saw solid business as the horse sales and point to point racing began. The Duke watched as his horse, allibabi, won the Nettlewich cup.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

This morning, after eating an out of date yoghurt, I only just made it to the lavatory. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a smudged impression of a poorly endowed ram.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Message from Magna

By Herbert Westby

In Magna City everyone has a telephone in the home. Imagine that. No need to go to the Post Office and talk while Post Mistress Laura Horn watches on – and possibly listens in.

Even more amazing is that most Magnaites have a portable telephone that can fit in a pocket. I have seen children with portable phones, chatting away while they are out shopping with their parents.

Magna city also boasts telephone cubicles on the streets, but please do not respond to any of the advertisements situated in these boxes. I rang a young lady named Melissa only to find she was not leggy, slim, submissive, or nineteen – or a lady.

Next week: outsider banking – the perfect career move for ageing highway men, and women.

Ask Agnes

Agnes Skillet, Hornstown butcher and friend to all of Green Hills gives readers the benefit of her wisdom. Get the advice you need in a trusting environment and retain your anonymity.

Dear Agnes

I have a problem. You see, I has fallen for a beautiful woman. The trouble is that I am not very experienced with the fairer sex. Every time I try to ask her on a date I become tongue tied and just give her a gift. Worse still, the gifts have not helped her, if anything they have had the opposite effect. What should I do?

Lonely of Panchestor

Dear Mr. Merry

Pull yourself together, and tell Mrs. Quillet you love her, before she is knee deep in stuffed beavers.

To the Hornstown School headmaster.

On your retirement.

Some say you are just too hairy

Like a horse or a boiled sweet

On a barber shop floor.

Some say you smell kind of funny

Like a ferret or a biscuit

In an abandoned Drawer.

Many say you are inhuman

Cruel, abusive and violent

To us you're Mister Moore.

Jenny and Philip Capp

Collective noun of the week

A troupe of shrimps

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are running the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

We all expected cuts. Despite the protection of McCulloch Pass, Green hills County can not escape the affects of world affairs. My only issue is that as usual it is the ordinary man and woman who has to suffer. Although I do not expect the pandemonium seen in France, I do expect union leader and Marxist, Jeff Fox (50) to organise some kind of demonstration. This paper supports all nonviolent protest.

So Davy Tock has been apprehended. I was pleased to hear that DI Sunburn had not closed the case. This paper believes that, 1. The killer is still on the loose, and 2. The killer is a local resident.

I have researched the background of Miss Phipps and found that she was born in the fishing village of Littlepool to a Mr and Mrs. Kelvin Mainmatch. Sadly the Mainmatches were killed in a freak fishing accident, and the newly ophaned baby was sent to live in Magna City with her Aunt Doris Phipps. This is where the police should begin their search for the killer – in the past.

As I write this article my Magna associate, Herbert Westby is on the case.

Don't forget to enter the Word Shop competition.

Stuffing Hell

Stuffing Hell

Visitors to Green Hills Zoo were up in arms over cages full of stuffed animals. The dead animals at the zoo have been replaced with taxidermic impostors.

Mrs Belinda Tongue (36) of Hanging green Lane said, “I decided to take my daughter, Roberta, and use up the complimentary tickets we received after the sheep debacle.

Mrs. Quillet's Beaver   Photograph: Green Lane

“At first we thought the beaver was just tired after chewing through a particularly thick log, but ten minutes later the beaver hadn't moved, so I poked it with a stick and the beaver fell off it's wooden stand. It was then I realised the beaver had been stuffed. My husband, Jonathan, then poked a three clawed sloth, it fell out of the tree. The sloth was also stuffed. Roberta is devastated. She is only twelve and does not understand stuffing”.

Many other visitors felt disappointment at the stuffed exhibits, though several also expressed sympathy for zoo manager Veronica Quillet. The zoo suffered an vile poisoning attack which resulted in the dead of over thirty animals including BooBoo the chimp.

A stuffed Two Toed Sloth   Photograph: Pingstone

Mrs Quillet said, “I know it is not a perfect situation, but until I get the new animals it is hard to fill the cages. Mr. Merry the blacksmith is a passionate taxidermist and offered me a few examples. I did not think people would notice the sloth as they are by nature a sedentary animal, well, more of a hanger-on really. In hindsight the beaver was a foolish choice. The beaver is a grafter – a mover. It was just that Mr. Merry had quite a few beavers - you could say he specialises in stuffing beavers”.

We found Mr. Merry at his stables and he said, “The beaver is not an endangered species here in Green Hills. I have never killed a beaver in my life. If you were to find a dead beaver and bring it to me, I would stuff it. It is a fascinating process. I always encourage people to watch me while I stuff the beaver. People are blowing the stuffing out of all proportion. They act like I am doing something unnatural, but it is a different story when their beloved pet dies.

“Only last week Mrs. Baker's pussy, Fanny, got knocked down by a horse and cart. She came to me, and I was happy to oblige her”.

In a twist of good fortune Magna Zoo contacted Mrs. Quillet and offered Green Hills the loan of some of their surplus animals. Apparently Magna Zoo have a glut of animals after a particularly successful year's breeding programme – so Green Hill Zoo will again echo to the sound of yelps, yaps and meows.

Message From Magna

By Herbert Westby

Magna City is an abomination. A crude, noisy, sweat stain on the armpit of the earth. It is also the most shocking, dangerous, blood pumpingly exciting place on the planet.

Unlike Green Hills County where modern technology is regulated by the Duke. Where all but the police and the Duke himself, travel by cart and carriage pulled by horse or oxen. In Magna City the roar of massive automobiles signal the journeys of the people. Shops signs sing in neon, and many stores are open night and day. Music of all types is everywhere. And the women dress in a most exotic manner.

At first I was a terrified. At first I avoided walking after dark. I stayed home, but even that was a mad encounter with technology. Television might seem like nothing to you Earvians, outsiders, but to a Green Hills lad it is wizardry. And don't start me on the internet, but then that is why am here, to allow you Earvians to get a glimpse of Green Hills life.

Over the next few weeks I hope to explore Magna city through the eyes of a Hornstownian. There is an old Green Hills saying if it's not under your foot it's in your way, but I will tread carefully and look around me and open your eyes to the Magic of the land beyond McCulloch pass.

Phipps Murder

The Beautiful Violet Phipps

Violet Phipps continues to be the main topic of conversation in the Green Hills. Her death was a violent one and now we know it was poison that ended her life.

DI Dirk Sunburn said, “Doctor Swann has completed his autopsy report. He found high levels of cyanide in Miss Phipp's body – enough to kill her. There were also abnormal levels of ricin, strychnine and Potassium chloride.

The doctor found a single puncture wound in keeping with the use of a hypodermic needle in the back of the victim's neck. We are withholding the rest of the autopsy report from the public. We believe an arrest is imminent”.

A Young Davy Tock

Nick Tock

In an update to this report, police searched several caravans at the Horse Fair and found Miss Phipps' famous blue pearls beneath the bed of Davy Tock of the fairground Tocks. The Duke has signed a warrant for the arrest of Davy Tock and the rest of his family are helping police with their enquiries. Davy Tock is still at large and believed to be in the Green Hills area. He is considered dangerous. If you see Mr. Tock do not approach him - call the police on Panchester 919.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

I haven't managed to go today, but yesterday was a fine day. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a rather blurred, but still identifiable mark in the shape of actor and wit Stephen Fry's profile. I am not sure how you can use this information at the bookmakers - predictive poop can be unpredictable.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Happy 21^st Birthday

To Police Officer Basil Scales

Lots of Love from Mum and Dad

Willy – in memorial

When we won you at the Horse fair you came with a bowl

And sadly an eating disorder that was very hard to control

We thought there was nothing to stop your never ending pig out

Until you became the very first goldfish to die of flipper gout

Jenny and Philip Capp

Collective noun of the week

A pitying of turtledoves

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are launching the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

There has been much distraction this week with the news that the zoo has been using stuffed animals. I for one do not condemn Veronica Quillet. How is a small zoo supposed to cope with the senseless murder of thirty animals? And where are the insurers? They are quick enough to take our money, but when we need them the whole pace of life changes. I am sure they must be in league with the banks and lawyers.

The real stories of course, is the murder of the lovely Violet Phipps. Now it seems that it was poison that took her life.

Has anyone else noticed that the poisons are the same ones that killed the zoo animals? If these two incidents are connected, which would seem logical then how can Davy Tock be the murderer? He would have been in Magna City with the fairground in the week the zoo animals were poisoned. We can lock Mr. Tock away – after all, he probably did steal the blue pearls, but the killer, in this paper's opinion, will still be roaming the streets of Hornstown and Panchestor.

Next week's special feature:

Mandy and Tony Slackcloth are back from their food tour of Middle England.

Get a preview on youtube @ Mandy and Tony - On Coffee

Phipps Dead

Phipps Found Dead

Violet Phipps in Big Bad Dave with that look

Superstar actress, Violet Phipps (32), has been found dead in her suite of rooms at the Royal Court Hotel.
Angela Spenser, a chambermaid at the Royal Court, found the body of Miss Phipps on Wednesday morning when cleaning the suite. Miss Phipps had been in Panchestor performing in the smash hit show Get Up Them Stairs.

Officer Jennifer Ashton was first on the scene, soon followed by Sergeant Duckery and Detective Inspector Dirk Sunburn. Doctor Derek Swann was called to the Royal Court and at 12:21pm pronounced Miss Phipps dead. DI Sunburn said the police are treating the death as suspicious.

Angela Spenser said, “I first suspected something was not quite right when I went to clean Miss Phipps' rooms. I found her door open. I wondered if Miss Phipps had just forgotten to close the door so I called through, but received no reply. I entered the suite and called again. The place was like a bomb site – all the cupboards and drawers were open and Miss Phipps' possessions were everywhere.

Violet Phipps in Very Little

“I walked through the suite to the master bedroom. I can tell you, I was terrified. I went into the bedroom. I did not see her at first. Her body was on the bed beneath a sheet. I called her name, but she did not response. I shock her shoulder and the sheet fell away from her face – it was then I knew she was dead. I have never seen an expression like it. For such a beautiful face to be twisted, distorted in such terror – such agony. I will never forget that face”.

Miss Spenser was later struck down with nervous shock and is staying with her brother Reverend Spenser, and his wife, Hilda Spenser, at Hornstown rectory.

In a police statement DI Sunburn said, “We can confirm that the body of Violet Phipps was found in her suite of rooms at the Royal Court Hotel, Panchestor. The door to her rooms had been forced open. There is evidence that the rooms were searched by a person or persons unknown.

Royal Court Hotel
Panchestor

“There is little more I can add until the completion of the autopsy and crime scene analysis, but we are definitely treating this death as suspicious – we suspect foul play.

“As you may know Miss Phipps was an orphan, but we are trying to contact her friends, and our thoughts are with the people who were close to her”.

Panchestor council have set up a help line for people distressed by the death of Miss Phipps. If you need to talk you can call: Panchestor – 4453.

Bicycle Thief

Police were called to the home of Belinda Tongue, (36), of Hanging Green Lane, Hornstown on Sunday. Mrs. Tongue reported a child's pink Bicycle stolen.

Raleigh rsw 16

In an exclusive interview Mrs. Tongue told the Herald “I heard a noise out the back on Saturday night, but thought nothing of it. On Sunday morning my husband, Jonathan, happened to go into the back garden and found that the shed door had been forced and Roberta's Bike was missing.
"She had only got it last week for her birthday. It was a pink Raleigh RSW 16 with a white carry case on the back. We had paid for it on lay-away at the Hornstown cooperative for the last 6 months. What kind of monster would do such a thing”.

Constable Jennifer Ashton said, “This is the first bicycle thief in Hornstown this year. We are treating this case very seriously. It could be the thin end of a formidable wedge”.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

Today I had a loose, speedy and rather unsatisfying motion. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a clear mark in the shape of a tea clipper in full sail.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Horse Fair Opens

Lady Petra Nettlewich enjoys a ride

Saturday saw the grand opening of the Annual Horse Fair at Pastor's Field. The Duke opened the fair, and he and his family tried some of the rides.

The Duchess of
Panchestor

It was a somber occasion for the Duke as this weekend is the tenth anniversary of the death of the Duchess. Duchess Hilda Nettlewich died in a freak carriage accident on Pleasant road when her horses bolted after being frightened by the lights of the big wheel.

Earlier in the day Pleasant Lane was closed so the Duke and his family could pay their respects at the statue erected in remembrance of the Duchess.

Silver Mine Is a Gold Mine

The John Horn silver mine has reported record profits.

John Horn Silver Mine

John Horn created the mining company after stumbling on Green Hills County in 1862. The mining operation continues to be the largest employer in the Green Hills.

Clark Cloud, the mine's manager said, “It is a pleasing state of affairs given the financial circumstances around the world. Even though this is a positive report we can not relax. We must continue to endeavour to be the most efficient mining company n the world”.

Union leader, Jeff Fox Said “Bugger efficiency and endeavour. It's time those buggers at the top started talking about reward. Reward for the efforts and sacrifices of the workers. It is us that risk our lives, it is us that breaks sweat and get our bodies torn by the unforgiving rocks. It is us, the workers, should get the benefits”.

Animal Crackers

Mrs. Veronica Quillet,
the zoo manager

The autopsy of the dead animals from the Green Hills Zoo is complete. The results suggest that the animals at the zoo were killed with a variety of different poisons. The killer or killers injected the poisons into the backs of the necks of the animals.

Dr. Derek Swann said, “There were several different poisons used, including cyanide, hemlock, ricin, strychnine and Potassium chloride. Another interesting point is that the volume of poison was different with each animal, but the amounts did not seem random”.

Mrs. Veronica Quillet, the zoo manager, to shocked to comment.

Matthew, one year on

Some say your bark was worse than your bite

But even Mr. Meadows, the postman, knows that's not quite right -

And Mr. Merry and Mr. Hartfield,
And Mrs. Quillet and Herbert Westby

And Mr. Baker and Nurse Harting,
And Roberta Tongue and Officer Duckery.

We cried when we received the order to destroy

They didn't understand, you were really a good boy.

Jenny and Philip Capp

Twelve today.

Happy Birthday Lucian Spenser.

Collective noun of the week

A crash of rhinoceroses

Editorial

Death now stalks the streets and lanes of Green Hills County. I refer not only to the tragic death of Violet Phipps, but all the zoo animals that, it turns out, were poisoned.

First to Miss Phipps. It is always sad when a young life is lost and to lose one so talented and so loved compounds the emptiness felt by all in Green Hills. The circumstances surrounding the death of Miss Phipps are alarming. It appears that her rooms were broken into and she was robbed and killed. Are the people of Panchestor safe in their houses?

As for the zoo poisonings, it appears that someone has been carrying out a macabre series of experiments, but to what purpose? Why use so many different kinds of poisons? And the different volumes of poison, why? It seems to me that this is the beginning of something, not the end.

There are already whispers on the streets relating these killings to the fairground workers, but we must not jump to conclusions and make unsubstantiated accusations. We must wait for the police, we must wait for the facts and we must wait for the process of law to do it's job.

Herbert Westby, my contact in Magna City and online technician has done a fabulous job. The comments section of the Hornstown Herald blog are up and running so I look forward to hearing from you, the readers.

Next week: The Hornstown herald word competition is launched.