Virgin on a joke
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| Mrs. Baker and ARSE |
Mrs Baker wore a semi-translucent white gown and no knickers – the Father and his cohorts danced naked, but for antlers, around Mrs Baker waving overly large Hawthorn branches. Doctor Derek Swann, who treated the group for grazes, abrasions, lacerations, thorn removal and frost bite to the nether regions said, “Mrs Baker is okay, just scratches and some inner thigh numbness, but the men are in a bad state. The combination of less body fat and external genitalia has left the men in agony and this kind of trauma is like a puppy – it is not just for Christmas.”
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| Julia Stoutbeam and friends audition in skivvies |
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| Spiny Hawthorn |
Mrs Baker, speaking for the Ancient Religious Sacrament Ensemble, said, “The others are in too much pain to speak right now so it has been left to me and I have just one thing to say – I know I'll not a virgin, but it's not my fault, well it is in so much as I have had sex with multiple partners on many occasions, sometime three or four at a go, and in many different locations, and I have explored every sexual position in the book I got from Magna city when I was a young girl, but I didn't want to play the virgin, I wanted to dance around naked with hawthorns, and you know who I blame? Young people – they have no get up and go these days, all they want to do is sit around making music - and the noise - banging this way and that, all of them in a room together, well in my day we knew better, I once caught my nipples in the bellows of a concertina and even to this day I can't lactate with the left one – we advertised in the local paper and put up posters, but all we got was Julia Stoutbeam and she refused to take off her skivvies, well, I ask you, how can you have a sacrificial virgin standing round in her drawers? What would the ancients say? There were no undergarments in the stone age, I'll tell you that for nothing, and all the time Father Farrell suffering like that, it was bl**dy freezing, you should see his c**k – it's black and blue with thorn wounds, and he has a gash on his scrotum the size of a betting shop pen – it's a good job he isn't married, his wife would be irked – well irked, still on the bright side we have appeased the gods, so the people of Green Hills County can look forward to an early spring and fine summer thanks to us.”
I am sure I speak for all of Hornstown when I thank the chaste Mrs Baker and the Ancient Religious Sacrament Ensemble for their noble and painful sacrifice. [EB]
Panchestor council are to send a team to Malawi on a fact finding mission. Malawi are debating a law which would ban farting in public. According to a survey of Panchestor town's people, the number of offensively smelly farts, both audible and silent, has risen by 37% over the past 5 years. Major Downbottom said, “It is hard not to notice the increase in smells and sounds. My own daughter Poppy is sensitive to such things and had to be hospitalised after a particularly violent trump hit her straight in the face. Some people seem to think that flatulence is funny, but I do not see how breaking wind in a confined space and inflicting the odoriferous gassy missiles on unsuspecting individuals is a matter for humour.
This is an Exorcise
Evil bloated filth corporation, the BBC, have been prevented from sticking their la-di-da middle-class noses into the running of Green Hills. For some time now the den of woolly jumpered phony liberals has been infecting the county with vapid, tedious, overpriced twaddle. The Duke has safeguarded the sanity of the people of Green Hills County by employing a deflector to repel the digital detritus.
Lord Nettlewich said, "No longer will we have to suffer the poisonous signals of perversion, greed and cruelty."
The Arts
Snow Joke
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| Mrs. Hoppy Hartfield in Her Prime |
It came in the night without warning, and the whole of Green Hill County woke up to 36 inches (86,000 mm or some such nonsense (bl**dy Napoleon)) of snow. Power lines were down and many pipes were frozen. Now the snow is melting the Green Hills Councils have united in a message to the people to “check your neighbour is not dead”.
Hornstown Council leader, Ian Hartfield said, “It is not too bad yet, but if this warm spell continues the dead will defrost and start to smell. My granny, Hoppy, died a few years ago and she was not found for three weeks. Her body had begun to putrefy and the cat had eaten her eyes. I don't blame the cat, it must have been hungry. It took several weeks to get the smell out our granny flat and it was six months before we could rent it out.”
It is not just homes and health that were hit by the cold snap. Businesses had a dreadful time as the populace stayed at home. Mr Max Merry, 53, of Merry's Stables said, “I still shod the occasional horse, and there were a few horses being stabled, but I did not stuff a beaver for two weeks – there is just no call for it in the cold weather.”
Toot Sweet Toot
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| Artist's Impression of a Fart |
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| Woman Farting into a Cup of tea By Edgar Degas |
I do not think blowing off in the open air is a problem if you are, say, down the local park, but only last week I was observing a particularly tense and absorbing game of snooker at The Panchestor Arms when one of the players emitted several acrid toots mid-shot.This foul act destroyed the magic and majesty of the match.”
The fact finding team will consist of Mrs Hilary Downbottom, Roger Quip and Judas Iscariot.
Mr. Iscariot (47) said, “We are ready to leave as soon as we find out where Malawi is – I'm guessing it is in Africa or maybe Asia.”
In a new feature Ricky Raccoon, Green Hills' own rock and roll superstar, looks back on his life and career in:
A lifetime of bad haircuts
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| Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca |
1: The Bogart
When I was an impressionable and awkward fifteen year old I lost myself in afternoons of old black and white movies at the local fleapit. My hero was Humphrey Bogart. With this in mind I walked to the barber shop in Hornstown. I told the barber I wanted a Humphrey Bogart and the barber began to cut. When he had finished I was left with what I imagine is a haircut based on Humphrey Bogart aged eight.
I wrote a song about it when I with my first band, The Paper Cup Agency. The song is off the Slumped behind the shed album and is called Barbers are Sheep.
Valentine's Day Madssacre
Because of the cold weather it has been put on hold, but finally this coming Thursday will be Valentine's day. In keeping with tradition it is an opportunity to play a prank on the one you love. Acting Inspector Wayne Duckery would like to remind people that a punch in the face is not a joke – it is common assault.
Valentine Lonely Heart Special
Semi-retired goose matador seeks
Jennifer Aniston for friendship
and possibly more.
Pan 697
Left-handed ginger freckled
geography teacher looking
for love or nearest offer.
Pan334
Sukki Sue, your daddykins
loves you more than viking
long boats and Gustav Mahler.
It has been too long.
Come round and stamp
my post some time.
Your Sweet Valentine.
Even though you wander now
and then, I want to take you
in my one good arm and show
you that I am your man.
Fluffy.
Message from Magna
By Herbert Westby
Magna City is a big old crazy city so the song goes. It is also the home of the parliament. As you will know Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II has been the Green Hills Member of parliament for the last 28 years. The last two elections saw Sir Wilhelm returned to Magna unchallenged, but not this time. You will, no doubt, have noticed from the mail and posters around the county that the trade union leader, Liam Fox is standing against Charlemagne.
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| Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II Fakes Death to Avoid Taxes |
Roland Oliver, Sir Wilhelm's election agent said, “Before the great Sir Wilhelm came to power Green Hills was an odd little backwater living a ridiculously primitive lifestyle, but now the county is respected all over the world. Only yesterday Sir Wilhelm appeared on the Jeremy Bile Show to discuss the wonders of Panchestor.”
Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II has the poorest attendance of any member of parliament and rang in his last vote from a specialist whorehouse called 'Spankers' (this is not a typo). He also had to return £1,000,000 of expenses when it was discovered that he has both his legs and his castle doesn't even have a moat.
Union leader Liam Fox said, “For too long now Charlemagne has been exploiting his position as MP for Green Hills County. It is someone else's turn.”
Sir Wilhelm is on a charm offensive and will be returning to Panchestor in anticipation of the Easter elections. We all look forward to the proposed candidates' debate.
Simon Sharp and his Predictive Poop
This morning I had the plumbers round, working on my water unit. This meant I was unable to use my own facilities. I began to feel backed up so in the end I went round to Mr. Merry's stables to avail myself of his facilities. The toilet was an old fashioned dirt box outhouse. I thought I would never be able to defecate in such primitive conditions, but I had hardly opened my book when a majestic, singular stool exited my anus. Upon the first wipe there was no mark – it was the fabled perfect poo, so today I will bet on everything – I can't lose.
This is an Exorcise
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| Perdition House |
Lord Nettlewich said, "No longer will we have to suffer the poisonous signals of perversion, greed and cruelty."
The Arts
The latest work by Green Hills poet laureate, Sir Holden Strumpet.
Ode to Mabel
Why is it that I only sing of love
How is it that I know when you are near
What is it that you have under your nightie
That is forever fascinating me
When will you let me have a crafty peek
I have heard it is an exquisite bloom
A flower that can steal man's very soul
Old Nick's footprint that will make my bell toll
Where will I witness the unveiling of
Your cloven hoof which Pan bestowed on you
A place no man would wish to be sealed
Perhaps we can sneak down Pastor's Field
What is the secret of your Deer's track
Where anima and animus unite
They call it the vagina of Babel
To me you will always be sweet Mabel
Editorial
There are times when we have to stand up and fight, and there are times when it is best to keep one's mouth shut. This is a time to fight. For too long now Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II Green Hills' member of parliament has ignored the rules, conventions and decencies of society. He has also ignored us, the voters of the county. The Hornstown Herald will be right behind Liam Foxx in his campaign, Give Green Hills What it Deserves. This shall be the Herald's rally to arms.
We at the Herald try never to criticise the beliefs of others. We adopt an agnostic and respectful tone in reporting religious matters, but dancing naked except for antlers around a scantily clad overweight middle aged woman in a field is completely batty.
The Herald echoes Acting Inspector Duckery's sentiments on St Valentine pranks. Last year there were seventeen people hospitalised because of so called valentine pranks.
Seven black eyes, four concussions, three ruptured testicles, two hair fires and a proctological emergency do not express the beauty of love, it is nothing more than the cheap settling of scores.
Next Week
Bishop Bishop the famous Bishop is in Panchestor to preside over the sacerdotal court-martial of Father Andrew Farrell.
Edwina Courtney looks at the latest lingerie for spring.
Hornstown Town vs Panchestor United in the annual football match.
