No Monkey Business
Hornstown County Council are investigating the Green Hills County Zoo because of a series of complaints. After a spate of animal deaths, many of the zoo's cages and pens lie empty. The cause of the decimation of the bestial exhibits is as yet unknown.
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| Ms Veronica Quillet and one of her exotic birds |
One complainer, a Mrs. Belinda Tongue, (36), of Hanging green Lane, said, “It was our Roberta's birthday treat. She had been looking forward to it for weeks. She had invited two of her best friends. They were all in tears. Bird paradise had turned into a poultry hell. There were two sheep in the wild cat cage, the only thing visible in the bison pen was an opportunistic rabbit and the monkey house was a ghost town”.
Veronica Quillet, (40), manager of the zoo said “I am sorry if the visitors feel they are not getting value for money, but it is not easy to replace over 30 exotic animals, including our entire bird of paradise collection, at short notice. Maybe using sheep was a cheap trick, but I am at my wits end. I have ordered new animals and they should arrive within two weeks. In the meantime Dr. Swann is carrying out autopsies on the cadavers – we have not ruled out foul play – and no that is not a pun.”
The council are considering closing the zoo until they know the cause of all the deaths. “I do not want to exaggerate the problem,” Said Hornstown Council head, Ian Hartfield, “but if we get this wrong it could be the end of life as we know it.”
As we go to publication, the zoo is still open, and offering half price entry, with all souvenirs having been marked down 20%.
Tock of the Town
On Tuesday Irene Tock and her family finally arrived in town, with their fairground rides and stalls, for the Horse Fair.
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| Mrs Irene Tock On the steps of Panchestor Town Hall |
The Tocks have been an unabating presence at the fair since the 1960s, when Irene was a young woman and her father Ralph Tock ran the family business.
After the troubles last year, and the Tock brother's run-ins with the Green Hills County police, it was touch or go as to whether they would show. But the Tocks are made of sterner stuff, and they rode their caravans and trailers down Panchestor High Street, onto Pleasant Lane and are now setting up, ready for the weekend, on Pastor's field.
Samuel Tock spoke on behalf of the family - “We have come as we said we would, a Tock's word is a bond. We will allow the authorities to examine all rides and stalls for safety and fairness. They will find nothing nefariousness here. And I hope that in return we are treated fairly”.
Samuel's younger brother, Davy Tock, spent much of last year's fair in the local gaol after being accused of breaking into the Panchestor Post Office. In the end all charges were dropped and the case remains unsolved. Sergeant Duckery said “They're a right bunch and I've got my eye on them, especially that Gary Tock. What he did to Mr. Baker's Bakery at Baker's Bakery was criminal, literally and... not literally. If they so much as look funny, I'll come down on them like a ton of bricks”.The Mayor of Panchestor, Mayor Downbottom said, “I know that ill feeling runs deep on both sides, but it is up to us, the people of Green Hills, to be open minded - with all types”.
Simon Sharp and his predictive poop
Today I had an uncomfortable and rather stuttering motion which left me feeling bloated and listless. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a clear mark in the shape of the word monody, so I will be looking out for that at the betting office.
[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]
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| Miss. Violet Phipps in The She-Pirate |
Phipps hits town
Violet Phipps is now ensconced at the exclusive Court Hotel, and attending regular rehearsals of the play, Get Up Them Stairs. “I am having a delightful stay, everyone has been so lovely.” said Ms. Phipps.
Violet Phipps' coach was met by mayor Downbottom, the Duke, the great Horacio Garraway, and a fair proportion of the population of Green Hills County. She looked a slender vision of delicate beauty in her famous blue pearls and a pink chiffon peasant frock, the type that seems to be all the rage in Magna City.
If these crowds are anything to go by, tickets for Get Up Them Stairs will fly out of the booking office.
Tickets go on sale this Friday.
Collective noun of the week
A murder of crows
In Loving Memory
Missing you Mum, one year on
It feels the same, and you know who we blame
That big fat lump, who ran the bungee jump
We feel forlorn, that the rope was worn
In heaven you don't hit the ground
You just rebound.
Jenny and Philip Capp
Editorial
The people of Green Hills County have the same quandary each and every year. On the one hand they love the Horse Fair, but on the other they are concerned about the trouble that can come with it. This newspaper understands that Green Hills wants to be safe, but the Tocks and their workers are not a plague of devils and demons descending on Pastor's Field with the intent of creating pandemonium. They are simple traveller folk trying to make a relatively honest living.
We should thank them for coming and entertaining us. We should accept them with all the well-mannered respect we would any guest.
The animal deaths at the Green Hills Zoo are no accident. I suspect foul play. I predict that this is not the last we will here of strange deaths in Green Hills. Watch this space.
As always I thank-you for being a patient reader. As the online edition of the Herald is still under construction, there are still teething troubles. The comments might not be working.
See you next thursday
Enoch Bentley
