Detective Inspector Dirty Boy And Post Mistress Naughty Girl
– A Love Story
DI Dirk Sunburn has resigned his commission in the Green Hills Police force after being caught in flagrante delicto with post mistress Laura Horn. The couple were found coupling, naked on the back of a horse cart in a quiet run off on Pleasant Road by Sergeant Duckery on Saturday night.
Miss Horn, great great grand-daughter of the discoverer of Green Hills County, John Horn, and DI Sunburn, leading light of law enforcement, had rode out towards Pastors field and began there fornicating on a mattress in the back of the cart – their embarrassment only covered by a horse blanket.
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| Artists interpretation of the flagrante delicto |
Sergeant Duckery said, “I followed the cart on foot, keeping to the shadows. They stopped in the Pastor's Field run off and climbed into the back of the cart. They commenced the obscene sexual act at 23:48. I waited for five minutes, observing, to ascertain the exact nature of their crime. At 23:52 DI Sunburn removed Miss Horn's brassiere and began massaging her breasts with his hands and mouth. At 23:57 the couple removed the last vestiges of their apparel, and pulled the horse blanket over their naked bodies. From then on my vision of the act was obscured, but I could hear definite groaning and moaning. I took this as unambiguous proof of a breach of the Green Hills public obscenities acts 1.2, 1.4, 3.5, 4.5, and several others. I adjusted myself and approached the cart. I announced myself, and my intention to arrest the couple. DI Sunburn responded with a most foul and slanderous retort. Miss Horn throw a shoe at me which struck me on the left shoulder – six inches to the right and it would have hit me on my heart.”
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| Former DI Sunburn and Miss Horn leaving Panchestor Town Hall. |
Later in the day DI Sunburn attended a meeting at the town hall. He left the the hall an hour later and made this statement, “I regret any inconvenience and discomfort caused by my actions. I also accept that my actions could affect the standing of the Green Hills Police Force and herewith resign my commission. What I do not accept is some doltish sexual deviant, and peeping Tom prying into my private life and hurting Miss Horn.
“My first act as a private citizen will be to find and bring to justice the killer of Miss Phipps and Mrs Churchlikka. Without the bureaucratic shackles and mismanagement of the police committee it'll be a piece of cake. From now on you can refer to me as Dirk Sunburn – private investigator.”
Miss Horn was unavailable for comment.
Controversial Pastor Pasta Joke
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| Green Hills Blind Association enjoy controversial pasta |
Father Andrew Farrell has once again outraged Panchestor by inviting controversial Pastor, Terry Jones to speak at St. Judes church. Father Farrell is still in disgrace after the “Hitler Sermons”, which almost ended in his death and dismissal.
Luckily for all the right-minded people of Green Hills, Father Farrell made a typographical error in his communication to the crazies that handle controversial Pastor Jones' appointments.
The surplus packets of swastika shaped spaghetti will now be distributed to the blind.
Fossil wars
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| Brobdingnagosaur Cockabullus Attacks |
Palaeontologist superstars Edward Rummy Masters, and Otho Titus Quagmire are under lock and key at Panchestor police station after a fight broke out at the annual dinosaur soirée, Smorgasbordosaur 2010, hosted at the town hall. Several of the guests required medical attention, and Miss Elanda Munché (29), Hornstown perfumer and seamstress, found herself in hospital with a fractured pubis.
Mr. Quagmire used the Smorgasbordosaur as a platform for his accusations that Mr. Masters' latest find, the Brobdingnagosaur Cockabullus, was a contrived mongrel of spare dinosaur parts sourced from Mr. Masters' own Dino-store.
Mr. Masters responded to this slight with a shovel hook to the liver. Mr. Quagmire went down, but came up punching with a fine combination of jabs and uppercuts. At this point the employees of Masters and Quagmire waded in with clumsy haymakers and some ungentlemanly kicking. It was a wayward roundhouse kick that sent Miss Munché tumbling down the town hall ornamental stairs.
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| Edward Rummy Masters and his gunmen - and women |
Quargmire and Masters were friends at school and colleagues in their early fossil career, until Mr. Masters wrote an article in Dinogest Monthly in which he suggested that Mr. Quagmire sexually abused a brontosaur thighbone. Since that article Quargmire and Masters have waged a dino-war against one another. They have used their family fortunes to hire gunmen, and woman; dynamite fossil digs and printed smear campaigns in The Magna Mercury.
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| Otho Titus Quagmire |
We asked head of Magna University, Prof. Clive Primrose (82), for an evaluation the image of the dinosaur skeleton and he said “I don't have time for this.” His colleague, Prof. Bruno Saurpuss said, “The head is that of a Gallimimis, also known as a Struthiomimus Bullatus, usually found in Mongolia. The arms are of Psittacosaurus, similar area, but much earlier. The body is a Allosaurus, late jurassic and found in north America. The horns are from the Triceratops, and the spines belonged to a Stegosaurur, I believe it is the Ungulatas. Either way it is b*****ks.”
Former DI Sunburn said, “I have had enough of these two juvenile idiots. Fighting over a load of old bones, no use to man nor dog – well, it is a waste of police time. I shall be prosecuting them for that too.”
Of course DI Sunburn will not be prosecuting Masters and Quagmire after his own equally pathetic fall from grace.
Miss Elanda Munché was said to be resting in Panchestor Hospital, high as a kite on morphine.
Garraway to the rescue
In a not unexpected move, many agents and managers are cancelling their artists' shows at the Royal Theatre, Panchestor. Since the death of Mrs Churchlikka the theatre has been closed and has been struggling to find acts to take the stage.
So Green Hills County has actor/manager, Horacio Garraway to thank for coming to the rescue. From Friday Garraway will be performing his award winning one man production of Free Willy.
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| The Green Hills Rock Toad |
The Green Hills Rock Toad is born with an IQ equal to that of an adult human. This unusual toad has a similar gestation period to humans, and produces just one toadlet in each term. Sadly the Rock Toad's nesting ground is at the edge of a precipice and the female is compelled to back towards the lip of the cliff face during parturition. The new born toad plummets onto jagged rocks one hundred feet below the toad's nesting grounds.
The infant toad possesses extra-ordinary awareness of the world and life beyond for just a few seconds before it suffers irreversible brain damage on the rocks below. The toad lives the rest of it's life as a gibbering imbecile.
Simon Sharp and His Predictive Poop
I thought the motion might have ended after passing a singularly stiff and gritty stool, but more was to come. A momentary cramping of the lower digestive tract signalled a ferocious ejection of spuming acrid air and turbid water. Upon examining the results of the third wipe I found a mark that clearly spelt out the phrase 24 black.
Collective Noun of the Week
A knot of toads
Positive Discrimination Week – A tribute
I had a cat called Blackie
Til I found out that her name,
Offended some minorities
It was a rotten shame.
I tried to call her Lulu
And pretend that she was brown,
But she stubbornly ignored me
So I had the cat put down.
Jenny and Philip Capp
Hornstown Primary School are having their
winter Jumble Sale this Saturday.
They are looking for donations, but they do
not want any rubbish.
Starts 10.00 at the school in the main hall.
For Sale.
Floral tribute.
Lily and rose wreath, of white chrysanthemum
with
lilies and roses, finished with decorative
ribbon. Approx. 14”. Unwanted gift.
Twenty-five pounds sterling or nearest offer.
PO Box Pan 187
Wanted
Attractive twenty-something virgin for
winter solstice ceremony.
Must have own gossamery gown and
floral headdress.
PO Box Pan 911
Lost.
Light brown.
PO Box Pan 830
Enoch Bentley, your dedicated editor is looking
for a nice woolen overcoat, 44” long. This is to replace
the one stolen from the Smorgasbordosaur last Saturday.
Email me a photograph of the jacket, and if I like it I will
send you five pounds sterling to help with the post.
Email photograph to hornstownherald@gmail.com
Editorial
Miss Phipps and Mrs Churchlikka lie in the morgue as a result of a cold-blooded assassin, and the Green Hills population live in fear for their lives. Lawrence Ladylove is still at large and thieves steal bicycles at will. Do the police force respond with skilled detection and arrests? No, they spy on, and arrest one another.
What Miss Horn and former DI Sunburn did was stupid, there is not doubt about that, but why was Sergeant Duckery following them? Some might suggest a combination of perversion and ambition. Duckery is next in line to become the Police Inspector for Green Hills - never before has the scope of a man's ambition so outweighed his ability.
Edward Rummy Masters, and Otho Titus Quagmire on the other hand, should know better. One would expect two talented, intelligent and driven individuals as these to be able to, if not work together, work with respect and consideration for one another.
I attended the Smorgasbordosaur and witnessed the fight. If Miss Munché's cries of anguish and pain had not brought the warring factions to their senses I believe Mr. Quagmire's weight advantage would have won out against Mr. Masters' fleet footwork and superior fitness.
Newspapers like the Hornstown Herald thank the Lord for lunatics like Father Andrew Farrell. There is never a dull moment and we are never short of a story. The latest is the best. To invite the ignorant, boneheaded xenophobe, Pastor Terry Jones is both foolish and reckless. To mistype his epithet is priceless.
I have tried some of the controversial pasta and it is delicious.
Enoch Bentley
The Winner of the word competition
Mr. William Salt of The Word Shop has considered all the entries, and decided that not one of them is of an acceptable quality. Therefore, in an unprecedented move there will be no winner in the word competition.
Next Week:
The bumper christmas edition of the Hornstown Herald.
The Launch of the annual photography competition.
Maude Treehorn, psychotherapist to the stars, will be giving advice based on The Hornstown Herald's reader's dreams. If you have had an unusual dream email hornstownherald@gmail.com
