Shameful Priest Attacked

Bad Vicar - Destination St. Jude's

Father Farrell And his puppet

Angry parishioners stormed the pulpit at Saint Jude's Church, Panchestor on Sunday. Father Andrew Farrell (44), outraged the congregation by delivering the sermon dressed as Third Reich mass murderer, Adolf Hitler. The priest further enraged the church goers by delivering the sermon ventriloquist style, using a devil puppet, and speaking in the voice of a little girl.

St. Jude's regular Mr. Ernest Baker (53), of Baker's Bakery said, “Even through my one good eye I could see that all was not bogging right. Hitler was evil, so to grow a toothbrush moustache like that is asking for trouble. And as for the devil doll, it said some bad things – bogging bad”.

Father Farrell first shocked parishioners when he walked from the vestry and onto the chancel wearing the Hitler moustache and with his hair plastered across his forehead. The priest then leaded over the lectern, raised his right arm in a Nazi gesture and cried out “Sieg Heil”. Father Farrell continued with another Nazi style salute and this time cried out “Sieg Heil Gott”. At this point there were cries from the congregation of “shame” and “get off”. The Father ignored these calls and whipped out the devil puppet.

Nurse Elisabeth Harting (31), explained, “We were already in shock from Father Farrell's appearance and gestures, but the puppet was the limit. He put it on his hand, moved it's head and started to speak in a high-pitched voice with a slight lisp. He wasn't very good, I could see his lips moving. He kept saying 'The devil is in me, f**k me, f**k me. I am the lord of the flies, pollute, punish, f**k yourselves'. Children were crying, then Sergeant Duckery pulled out his truncheon and charged the pulpit.

“People were throwing kneeling cushions, and I was hit in the back of the head by a copy of The Book of Common Prayer. Father Farrell drew a sword from beneath his cassock and scythed it out in front of himself, but it was too late – sheer numbers overwhelmed him. At first the Father tried to hide behind the ridel, but the curtain was torn from it's rail, so he ran into the apse and bolted the door. Someone pulled the frontal from the altar, sending the Nettlewich Triptych and candlesticks crashing to the floor.

St. Jude's would have been raised to the ground if were not for a miracle.

"A sound of pure and sweet beauty rose above the bedlam, cutting through the hue and cry. It was the voice of an angel. It was the voice of European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka singing Father Farrell's wonderful hymn O Lord thou art so winsome. The hysteria subsided until all eyes were on Miss Churchlikka. After the song the congregation walked quietly from the church”.

Father Farrell prepares for
naked Wednesday evensong

It is not the first time Father Farrell has caused controversy at St. Jude's. Only last year the Father broke his leg while introducing a new kind of genuflection, and then there was gargle the name of the Lord month, and naked Wednesday evensong.

We gave Father Farrell a chance to reply to the report and he said, “I know I have upset some people and I am sorry for that. I was only trying to show the congregation that symbols and words in themselves are not evil, it is the Devil and his deeds that they have to watch. But they would not listen – perhaps they are listening now. They did not give me time to speak. Pancunians can be so impatient. They get all dressed up each Sunday and roll in looking for a fight. If they want a f**king fight, I'll give them one. Beelzebub is knocking at every door in Green Hills County and all those weaselly f**king b*****ds can think of is their stupid bl**dy lives. Lucifer is waiting his moment and it will be soon. The Prince of Darkness is coming, you'll see, you'll see. That will show you, you f**k-wits”.

The Duke has issued a statement, “We, the leaders of the Green Hills diocese, will be examining all of the complains, and will issue a report in due time. Until then Father Farrell will continue at St. Jude's, but ventriloquist will be banned from the church”.

Beauty Fills the Green Hills

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K0RuwzPTEA

European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka is setting Panchestor alight with her wonderful voice. Even in rehearsal Mrs. Churchlikka can bring tears to the eyes of music lovers – she is indeed a gift from God.

The Hornstown Herald has managed to obtain a copy of a Churchlikka rehearsal. The quality of the recording is not great, but you will be able to get a feel for the work of an opera singer at the top of her game. Added to this, our very own Herbert Westby has arranged some still images to make the experience perfect.


Simply click the link beneath the image of Sarah Churchlikka and the Magna City Ensemble to hear the spirit and the glory.

Collective Nouns

A richness of martens

Ask Agnes

Agnes Skillet, Hornstown butcher and friend to all of Green Hills gives readers the benefit of her wisdom. Get the advice you need in a trusting environment and retain your anonymity.

Dear Agnes

I have a problem. You see, my staff at work do not respect me. I feel they are laughing at me behind my back. If I say left, they say right – what can I do?

Disrespected of Panchestor

Dear Colonel Sherman Glasscock

Pull yourself together, and leave the real soldiering to Captain Bladderack, everyone knows he is the real force behind the Green Hills Light Division.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

Today as I sat on the toilet I was not even sure I wanted to go, but then after a couple of stuttering farts a smooth immense motion came out all in one piece. Upon the third wipe I examined the paper and was amazed to see that the sheet was completely clean – not a mark to be seen. This is the ultimate lucky sign so I will be buying two lottery tickets.

I can hear the night calling for me,

The window can never keep it at bay.

It is looking for a point of access.

As I watch, it's grey mist hand strokes the pane,

I cover my head with the eiderdown.

The sound of blood pumping through my ears

Is preferable to the breath of the night.

My only escape is if I can sleep

Jenny and Philip Capp

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are running the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a Yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^Th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

Regular readers will notice this is a truncated and late issue of the Herald. This is due to the storm that torn down telephone lines and temporarily closed down McCulloch Pass. Blacksmith, taxidermist and sometime phone exchange engineer, Mr. Max Merry has repaired the lines of communication so I could send some of the Hornstown Herald to Magna City for online publication.

Prime suspect and fairground worker, Davy Tock is still unconscious and the police are no nearer to finding the killer of superstar Violet Phipps. An unknown assailant poisoned Miss Phipps in her hotel room at The Royal Panchestor Hotel Three weeks ago.

The police seem to think they have their man, The Hornstown Herald think otherwise. Read next week's Herald to find out who killed Violet Phipps.

Lastly, there is little over a week to enter the Herald word competition. We have had many entries from Greens Hill county residents, but it would be lovely to have some more entries from outsiders.