Prime Cuts
 |
| Panchestor Town Hall Photograph: Ricalton |
Financial cuts have ripped through the very fabric of Green Hills society.
The extraordinary meeting of Panchestor and Hornstown councils has resulted in cut backs to almost all areas of life. Councillor Ian Hartfield of Hornstown and the Panchestor mayor, Ronald P. Downbottom made the announcements on the steps of Panchestor Town Hall.
 |
| Mayor Downbottom |
Hardest hit by the cuts were Handicapped Horses Holiday Homes and the Forest Reclamation Yard, which have received a winding up order.
Mrs. Veronica Quillet, zoo manager and board member of HHHH said “This is a sad day for our less fortunate equine friends.
“Who, if not us, will give these horses the holidays they so richly deserve. Take Dobber, the coal merchant's horse, he struggles on day after day despite a congenital fetlock defect. Dobber's only joy in life was his annual holiday – what has he got to look forward to now? And all this coming on top of the cruel attacks on my beaver”. Mrs. Quillet was exposed last week in this very newspaper for using stuffed animals at the zoo.
 |
| Artie Sim, FRY Director. In Forestry Safety Clothing |
Artie Sim of FRY said, “I can't blame the council really. It never caught on. No one wants forests these days”. The forests remaining in the yard will now be turned into garden furniture.
Also hit is the Sexual Education Programme – from Friday they will only congregate twice a week, Panchestor Institute of Grocers will merge with Hornstown Organisation of Grocers, and next year's Horse Fair will have to be funded by the private sector.
 |
| Flannelette |
The police budget will be cut by 4%; council budgets are frozen for two years; and the foreign office staff will be halved – as yet it is not known whether it will be Mr. Plint or Mr. Grim who has to leave.
Pensions will be frozen this year, but pensioners will not, as a flannelette allowance will now kick in should the temperature drop below zero.
The 8% defence cuts mean that no new helmet plumage will be allocated for the next two years. “We will just have to hold onto our hats”, said Colonel Sherman Glasscock of the Green Hills Light Division.
As One Curtain Closes, Another One Opens
 |
| Sarah Churchlikka with the Magna Court Ensemble |
The run of Get Up Them Stairs ends at the Royal Court Theatre on Friday. The attendances did drop after the violent death of superstar Violet Phipps, but understudy Gayle Gale gave it her best. Hornstown's own star actor/director, Horatio Garraway said, “It was difficult, but I made it through the nights. I will now go to Cocktwaite and immerse myself in yoga – I have a new mat”.
Taking over the theatre on Saturday for one week is the European soprano Sarah Churchlikka. Miss Churchlikka will be accompanied by the Fabulous Magna Court Ensemble.
As well as performing works by Puccini, Verdi and Mozart, Miss Churchlikka will sing hymns written by Panchestor's own Father Andrew Farrell – including his most famous hymn, O Lord thou art winsome.
Phipps Murder Latest
 |
| Rabies Shot |
Davy Tock, prime suspect in the Violet Phipps murder case has been apprehended. Tock was caught on Tuesday in the upper reaches of the Green Hills, and is now in Panchestor hospital suffering from hypothermia and what appear to be animal bites.
Mr. Tock is now under armed guard in the Royal Hospital where he is expected to stay for the next week. He is receiving a prophylactic rabies treatment for the bites.
DI Dirk Sunburn, at the bedside of Tock, said, “This case is not closed. We will interview Davy Tock when he regains consciousness. Oh my Lord, what is that? A needle? Rabies Shots? But its so... Oh, the unparalleled horror of it... ”
 |
| Allibabi |
The End Of A Fair
The Horse fair has finished and the Tock family, have left the county with their rides and stalls. As the carts rolled through Panchestor, matriarch Irene Tock cried out, “we will be back for Davy. A curse upon your loins”.
Pastor's Field was not as busy as previous years. Organisers believe that the negative publicity surrounding the murder of Miss Phipps had discouraged visitors. The second week saw solid business as the horse sales and point to point racing began. The Duke watched as his horse, allibabi, won the Nettlewich cup.
Simon Sharp and his predictive poop
This morning, after eating an out of date yoghurt, I only just made it to the lavatory. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a smudged impression of a poorly endowed ram.
[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]
Message from Magna
By Herbert Westby
In Magna City everyone has a telephone in the home. Imagine that. No need to go to the Post Office and talk while Post Mistress Laura Horn watches on – and possibly listens in.
Even more amazing is that most Magnaites have a portable telephone that can fit in a pocket. I have seen children with portable phones, chatting away while they are out shopping with their parents.
Magna city also boasts telephone cubicles on the streets, but please do not respond to any of the advertisements situated in these boxes. I rang a young lady named Melissa only to find she was not leggy, slim, submissive, or nineteen – or a lady.
Next week: outsider banking – the perfect career move for ageing highway men, and women.
Ask Agnes
Agnes Skillet, Hornstown butcher and friend to all of Green Hills gives readers the benefit of her wisdom. Get the advice you need in a trusting environment and retain your anonymity.
Dear AgnesI have a problem. You see, I has fallen for a beautiful woman. The trouble is that I am not very experienced with the fairer sex. Every time I try to ask her on a date I become tongue tied and just give her a gift. Worse still, the gifts have not helped her, if anything they have had the opposite effect. What should I do?
Lonely of Panchestor
Dear Mr. Merry
Pull yourself together, and tell Mrs. Quillet you love her, before she is knee deep in stuffed beavers.
To the Hornstown School headmaster.
On your retirement.
Some say you are just too hairy
Like a horse or a boiled sweet
On a barber shop floor.
Some say you smell kind of funny
Like a ferret or a biscuit
In an abandoned Drawer.
Many say you are inhuman
Cruel, abusive and violent
To us you're Mister Moore.
Jenny and Philip Capp
Collective noun of the week
A troupe of shrimps
The Word Shop Competition
The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are running the annual word competition.
The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.
The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?
Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a yorkshire pudding – clacty?
Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com
This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.
The deadline is Tuesday, 9th November 2010.
The judges.
The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.
The prize.
First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.
Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.
Terms and conditions
The judges decision is final.
No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.
The prizes are not transferable.
Editorial
We all expected cuts. Despite the protection of McCulloch Pass, Green hills County can not escape the affects of world affairs. My only issue is that as usual it is the ordinary man and woman who has to suffer. Although I do not expect the pandemonium seen in France, I do expect union leader and Marxist, Jeff Fox (50) to organise some kind of demonstration. This paper supports all nonviolent protest.
So Davy Tock has been apprehended. I was pleased to hear that DI Sunburn had not closed the case. This paper believes that, 1. The killer is still on the loose, and 2. The killer is a local resident.
I have researched the background of Miss Phipps and found that she was born in the fishing village of Littlepool to a Mr and Mrs. Kelvin Mainmatch. Sadly the Mainmatches were killed in a freak fishing accident, and the newly ophaned baby was sent to live in Magna City with her Aunt Doris Phipps. This is where the police should begin their search for the killer – in the past.
As I write this article my Magna associate, Herbert Westby is on the case.
Don't forget to enter the Word Shop competition.
