Murder Most Moist

Sarah Churchlikka Murdered

Artist's impression of the death of
Sarah Churchlikka.
By Edgar Degas

The whole of Green Hills County is in shock. European soprano Sarah Churchlikka was found dead in her hotel bathroom at the Royal Court Hotel on Monday morning at eight-fifteen by chamber maid, Angela Spenser. It was Miss Angela Spenser (31) who found Violet Phipps dead three weeks ago at the same hotel.

DI Dirk Sunburn arrived on the scene and immediately called Dr. Derek Swann to examine the body. Officer Jennifer Ashton (22) carried out a forensic examination of the suite of rooms.

DI Sunburn said, “This is a horrible murder, and yes it is definitely murder. We found Mrs Churchlikka's body lying in the bath. There were orchids and lily's floating on the water, and burnt-out candles around the edge of the bath. Sergeant Duckery reached in to empty the bath water and jumped back as if bitten. Almost immediately the Sergeant was complaining of a tingling sensation around his mouth and lips, then within a couple of minutes he could not breathe. Thankfully Dr. Swann was present and he began artificial respiration.”

The cause of death and Duckery's affliction was soon evident.

Blue ringed octopus

DI Sunburn continues, “Something moved in the bath water. A flash of brown and blue, and again, then it disappeared between Mrs Churchlikka's legs. I got on the phone and called the zoo manager, Veronica Quillet to the scene of the crime.”

Mrs Quillet arrived with one of her keepers and, with care and considerable skill they began to examine the bath. Mrs Quillet manoeuvred a tong-like implement under and around Mrs Churchlikka's body and finally came up with a six inch brown speckled and blue leviathan.

Tongs on a flannel background

Mrs Quillet said, “At first I was unsure of what we were dealing with, but then I saw a glimpse of the creature, and identified the tiny sea devil as the blue ringed octopus – one of the most toxic monsters in the sea. The difficulty is in catching octopuses, they can squeeze into the smallest crack or crevice. I tried to be respectful towards Mrs Churchlikka's cadaver, but the octopus showed a fair amount of animal cunning.”

Mrs Quillet has given the killer octopus a home at Green Hills zoo, but it will not be on public display to discourage ghoulish thrill seekers.”

DI Sunburn gave a clue to his thinking process in his final statement to the press.

“This murder was a deliberate and considered act. Imagine, the horror, a tiny bite then you are paralysed – did she die of the bite or drown in the bath? Hopefully Dr Swann can shed some light. Whoever killed Mrs Churchlikka is very dangerous. To drop a highly poisonous octopus in a woman's bath water seems to suggest an intelligent, cold, and calculating mind – and a diseased one.

Sergeant Duckery in iron lung

“I can not say for sure that the death of Mrs Churchlikka is linked to the murder of Violet Phipps, but I don't like coincidences. Two poisonings in the space of four weeks, both victims famous performers, both murders committed in the same hotel. For now we will treat the murders as separate. We ask that the people of Green Hills County are vigilant, and are careful to lock their doors and windows at night”.

Sergeant Duckery is in Green Hills Hospital and only breathing because of an iron lung. There is no antidote to the toxin, but hopefully the poison will wane and the Sergeant will recover.

Chief suspect in the Phipps case, Davy Tock, is still unconscious in his bed at Panchestor hospital, but if it is proved that the murders are linked then Mr. Tock will have to be released. The police have spent the last few weeks building a case against Mr. Tock instead of looking for the real killer despite the protestations of this very newspaper.

Stolen Bicycle

Raleigh RSW 16

Police have recovered a pink Raleigh RSW 16 that was stolen on Saturday the 6^th October. The bicycle, a birthday present belonging to Roberta Tongue (12), was stolen from the Tongue family shed.

Mrs Belinda Tongue said, “Our Roberta has cried herself to sleep every night since her bike was taken. She will be overjoyed to hear it has been recovered. I would just like to thank the Green Hills Police Force for their excellent work”.

Police found the RSW 16 on the Green Hills foot hills behind Lake Doris. It is believed this was the vehicle used by Davy Tock in his escape.

Officer Jennifer Ashton said, “Maybe Tock didn't kill Phipps, but he definitely stole the bike, and I'll have him for that”.

Papa's not got a squeeze box

Beethoven could have
avoided deafness

Hornstown scientist Doctor Burt Grimshaw says he is close to finding a cure for the accordion.

Dr Grimshaw (92) said, “For too many years people have had to suffer the indignity, discomfort and shame of listening to the accordion, but no more. With my new patent pending accordion hammer I believe that with some therapeutic slogging, pummelling, bashing, walloping and beating the accordion can be a thing of the past.”

The accordion has ruined thousands of lives. It was the accordion that sent Beethoven deaf and turned European artist Adolf Hitler into a homicidal manic. Other victims of the accordion include Dr Stephen Hawkings, American vocalist Barry Manilow and Romania.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

It has been a difficult week. I have been off my food and this has had a dreadful affect on my regularity. I did manage something, but I would hardly call it a motion. Anyway, upon examining the result of my third wipe I could clearly see the words kale heresy.

Collective noun of the week

A bike of hornets

Singalong a Hymn

Many readers of The Herald have written in to ask if we can print the lyrics to Father Farrell's hymn O Lord Thou Art so Winsome. We understand that there have been complains about the quality of the recording of Poor Sarah Churchlikka's version of the hymn. So for all you sing-along pedants with nothing better to do, here they are.

O Lord Thou Art So Winsome

The clouds they scoot across the sky

And rainbows bow from vale to hill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K0RuwzPTEA

It is a sweet and lovely thing

O Lord thou art so winsome

The angels breathe life in the lion

And pitch fire into thunder

We see your might and your power

O Lord thou art so winsome

The robin roosts with the squirrel

And candles burn in wondrous grace

We pray to your glorious world

O Lord thou art so winsome

You put the strength into my arms

To smite the beast upon the jaw

As it dies you bless the sinner

O Lord thou art so winsome

Evil Shrivels and it withers

It's filthy blood will boil to dust

And you spare it nowt but blessing

O Lord thou art so winsome

Click on the link beneath the photograph of Mrs Churchlikka to hear the hymn.

Lonely Hearts

Unhygienic pensioner suffering

from alien parasitic worm in head

seeks similar for friendship

and possibly more.

PO Box – pan 333

Taxidermist and beaver enthusiast seeks

strong, proud woman with own horse and cart.

PO Box – pan 678

Amateur ventriloquist and butcher looking for

petite lady with brobdingnagian hands.

PO Box – pan 343

Cuddly equestrian florist with curable,

but much loved degenerative neurological

disorder seeks milk based pudding.

PO Box – pan 845

Lesbian satanist civil servant, GSOH

seeks wilful N/S alopecic lycanthrope

for good clean fun.

PO Box – pan 563

Editorial

The sun has hidden itself behind a cloud. The birds have stopped singing, and the leaves have fallen from the trees (okay, it's Autumn, but you see what I mean). European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka is dead. I can not even think about where the deadly cephalopod bite the unfortunate songbird.

Lets hope that the Green Hills County Police are up to the job. There is a cunning and cruel killer on the loose.

I for one will celebrate when Dr Grimshaw's accordion cure is available to all. Only the other day as I promenaded down Panchestor High Street my ears were assaulted by the evil instrument. The Devil's own squeeze box gave me such a turn that you might have noticed that this issue of the Hornstown Herald is very, very late. I am still walking with a slight limb.

Enoch Bentley

Next Week: 

Angelic, ageing pop rocker, Ricky Raccoon unleashes his new Christmas song.