Life Apes Literature
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| Pongo takes Max Merry for a walk |
Pongo the Green Hills Zoo orangutan is behind bars tonight after being arrested by Acting Detective Inspector Wayne Duckery for the murders of European soprano Sarah Churchlikka and international movie star Violet Phipps. Pongo was arrested on suspicion of murder and taken in for questioning on Tuesday afternoon. Last night after three days of intensive interrogation Pongo broke down and signed a confession.
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| Acting Inspector Wayne Duckery |
According to secret Herald sources (Max Merry) Inspector Duckery was in the Panchestor Arms late on Monday night when he overheard two men discussing the Edgar Allan Poe story, 'The Murders in the Rue Morgue'. In the Poe story the great fiction detective, C. Auguste Dupin uses his analytical skills to deduce and prove that the killer of Madame L'Espanaye and her daughter was in fact an ape. The discussion excited the Police chief. It has been stated by more than one Panchestor Arms regular that Duckery had been in the pub since five o'clock that afternoon and was at least three sheets to the wind.
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| Mrs Veronica Quillet and friend |
On Tuesday morning Duckery set his bloodshot, but determined eyes on Green Hills Zoo. Zoo Manager Veronica Quillet said “The first I knew of it was when that little fat nincompoop Duckweed [sic] stormed into my office without a by-your-leave and demanded the key to the ape house. He had young Officer Basil Scales with him so there was no hope. I mean Basil is a nice lad and all that, but he's only just finished with his mother's teat as far as I am concerned. If only that nice lesbian, Officer Lomax had been present none of this would have occurred.” Sadly Officer Lomax is on holiday on a Greek island in the North Aegean.
After obtaining the key to the ape house Duckery and Scales entered the building and began the search for Pongo the orangutan. Officer Scales explains, “I didn't really want to go in in the first place, but the boss was adamant so in we went. I wore gloves and kept a firm grip on my truncheon as my mum has always warned me about apes.”
Inspector Duckery continues, “I found the murderous villain cowering in the corner of the cage. I read him his rights and cuffed him. He did some very bad things in the back of the police van. Even then I knew I had the right man... monkey.”
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| Pongo and Derek Photo: Dean Croshere |
Many people in Panchestor are shocked by the arrest. Former rock and roll superstar Ricky Raccoon said, “I can not believe this is happening. Pongo is a close personal friend of mine. I have my lawyers on the case. I am planning a protest song, so listen out for that. It will be a bit like Bob Dylan's 'Hurricane' with a touch of The Specials AKA's 'Free Nelson Mandela.”
Pongo is married to Sukie and has three children, Bobo, Lulu and Derek. His wife and family are said to be dumbfounded, distressed and speechless at the news.
We will leave the last word to disgraced former Detective Inspector Dirk Sunburn who said, “I am working on an important case at present, but as soon as I have solved the meat thief from Skillet's Butchers, I will find the evidence that absolves Pongo of any crimes.
Beauty Tames The Beasts
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| Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II at work |
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| Mr. and Mrs. Baker on their honeymoon |
Mr Higginbottom said, “That little weasel, Oliver withdrew the offer of free beer leaving me with a pub full of angry drunks. I was going to call the police until I caught sight of the ringleader, a certain Inspector Duckery. Instead I called my good friends the Bakers of Baker's Bakery to come and help me calm the situation. Ernest tried to speak to the drunken crowd, but they would not listen, then out of nowhere a crystal clear note rang out. The sound got louder and louder until it was the only sound in the world. I've known Edna Baker since school, I was one of several boys who helped her with her biology homework, but I have never heard her sing. The notes became words and the melody brought hard men to their knees. She sang 'In Green Hills God Can Rest' like it had never been sung before. She sang it as if it was the first time the words and music had lit the air, filled a room and lifted a heart.”
The drunks walked out into the daylight singing the song and went home without causing any trouble. Farther Farrell declared this act a miracle and called for the beautification of Mrs Baker upon her death. Mr Higginbottom is suing Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II for non payment of his bar bill.
The News From Beyond
The news from around the world in as little time as possible brought to you by misanthropic malcontent, former FRY director and historical Artie Sim.
The views of Artie Sim are not necessarily the views of The Hornstown Herald.
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| Berlusconi and Bush at urinal Photo: The White House |
Italian President, billionaire, philanderer and pensioner, Silvio Berlusconi, is to stand trial for making whoopee with an underage belly dancer, and for springing her from prison, and some other stuff. If found guilty he will be ravaged by a crack squadron of baboons. The belly dancer will not face prosecution as she has already suffered enough (mostly from having Berlusconi's wrinkled old widget inside her (allegedly [ed]).
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| David Cameron and his mighty forehead Photo: Remy Steinegge |
British Prime Minister and repressed hairdresser, David Cameron admitted he has not got a clue. He addressed a group of doctors and nurses, and asked them if they had any ideas for the National Health Service (with my experiences of British doctors and nurses I find this highly unlikely. All they think about is biscuits, sex and the colour of one's sputum). In the end Cameron and his brother, Clegg (bed-wetter) decided to leave it for a while. “We are very busy at the moment”, said a source close to Cameron, “there are still plenty of ill-bred oiks to debase”.
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| President Obama "I want killer ants" Photo: The White House |
Barack Obama, leader of the free world, is girding his loins in preparation for elections. He told the people of America that he wants a billion dollars to start an ant farm populated by giant killer ants. A source close to Obama said, "Man, he can't get enough of them ants - he loves to pet their brawny mandibles."
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| Murdoch salutes the money tree Photo: World Economic Forum |
In Britain former Australian, megalomaniac and monkey fondler Rupert Murdoch has only just apologised for the telephone hacking scandal committed by his News of the World newspaper. Sources close to Murdoch say “He is happy to give out compensation because when he owns the whole of BskyB he will build an enormous death ray and vaporise all who have stood before him”.
Classifieds
Lost: Underlying sense of free will.
Pan 954
For Sale: Seagull in grey and white with black
wing tips. As big as a dog.
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| Ungrateful cat |
£38 or will exchange for time machine.
Pan 841
Found: Ungrateful elderly long-haired tabby cat (pictured).
Collect ASAP.
Pan 587
Lost: Giant three legged chicken.
I only opened the gate for a second, and voom.
If seen do not approach.
Pan 453
Bishop Keeps Mum In Hotel
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| Bishop M. Bishop |
Bishop Bishop the visiting bishop from Saint Columba's Cathedral in Magna City has arrived to oversee the sacerdotal trail of Father Farrell. As you will recall Father Farrell grew a toothbrush moustache and combed his hair over in the style of European author and dictator Adolf Hitler, then performed his Sunday sermon using a devil glove puppet, funny voices and scatological, blasphemous and pornographic profanities. The Father also drew his sword and made a fair attempt at chopping and slashing Saint Judes' parishioners.
Father Farrell said, “It was self defence. The f**kers were trying to kill me and eat my sweetbreads.”
Bishop M. Bishop has taken over the entire third floor of the Royal Panchestor Hotel and refuses to speak to the press, aping his great hero, football manager and children's entertainer Alex Ferguson.
Simon Sharp and his Predictive Poo
This morning I had to get up earlier than usual. My lower digestive tract was not ready – it would not wake up. I did manage a few gassy, spluttering rabbit droppings, but nothing of any consequence. When I got home in the late evening I felt leaden inside and listless outside so I smoked a cigarette and had another go on the toilet. This time a singular motion the size and shape of a lugworm slid out of my bottom. The first wipe revealed an etching of a mouse.
Holden Strumpet Again
After much criticism for the poem 'Ode to Mabel' (Published in The Hornstown Herald, 3 March 2011) Sir Holden Strumpet, Green Hills poet laureate, has asked us to publish this new poem to prove that he is more than just a dirty old man. Judge for yourself [ed].
Instead of a Memoriam
When I die, gather wood.
Lay me down on hot stones.
Let the flames engulf flesh.
Let the blaze bake my bones.
When I die, rally friends.
Talk of me through the night.
Stoke the pyre with my words.
Let it burn til first light.
When I die, quench your thirst.
Douse the flames, move debris.
Tear the meat from my ribs.
Plate it up, consume me.
Hornstown Town vs Panchestor United
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| Hornstown Town |
The local derby between Panchestor United and Hornstown Town was abandoned after 56 minutes because of a mass streak by the entire crowd.
The John Horn stadium was full to it's 1200 capacity for the eagerly awaited fixture. This in hindsight contributed to the problem as because of building work and rain all 1200 spectators were squashed into the Norris Green End – the only covered part of the ground.
Hornstown started the liveliest of the two teams with the graceful, bewitching powerhouse, Lenny Tramp, having two good chances within the first 20 minutes. After this initial period of excitement the game descended into a turgid mid-field battle of wills.
The second half started as the first had left off until the pivotal moment. Panchestor United's bruiser, Clogger Chopshop kicked the statuesque-yet-supple Lenny Tramp just outside the box with a scything tackle. The tackle resulted in athletic Lenny's shorts being ripped from his body.
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| Clogger Chopshop saves from Tramp |
Hornstown Town's manager, Tommy Kite tells it his way, “I don't know what got into the bogging crowd, but a bogging glimpse of the beguiling Lenny's jockstrap drove them to bogging distraction. Next thing all bogging hell broke loose. I could see the bogging commotion from the bogging dugout. Without warning or prompting they all began to strip to their bogging knackers, then they ran on to pitch. There were goolies and knockers flying this way and that. Over a thousand naked bodies prancing about. Some of the streakers were taunting the players – waving their bits and pieces at them and shouting “how's that for a back pass”. It was all too much for lovely Lenny Tramp – he burst into tears.
“Then as suddenly as they had ran on the bogging pitch, the throng ran back to the Norris bogging Green End.”
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| The mass steak by the Norris Green End |
And the match could have continued at this point if it had not been for a small dishonest element in the crowd. Referee, blacksmith and taxidermist, Max Merry explained, “When the last of the streakers had left the pitch I was ready to restart the game. My whistle was to my lips when I heard the most ridiculous commotion coming from the Norris Green End.”
At first it seemed as if the hordes had begun a mass orgy, but it soon became clear that the mob were fighting. One of the streakers who wishes to remain anonymous (Captain Horton Bladderack) said, “When we got back to the stand we were starting to feel the cold. Some unscrupulous bounders began grabbing other people's clothes – warmer, better quality clothes. Others were rummaging through the piles of garments looking for wallets and purses. A punch was thrown then everybody was fighting.”
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| The beguiling Lenny Tramp |
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| Tommy Kite at work |
Tommy Kite continues, “I looked up and all I could see were a bogging thousand writhing pink bogging bodies. At first I thought they were shagging, but then I realised the bogging cries were cries of bogging pain. Naked and half-bogging-naked people pummelling one another.
“All this was too much for dear Lenny Tramp. He stripped off and ran crying into the fleshy throng of fisticuffs. “Come back, sweet Lenny” I called, but it was too late.”
Acting Inspector Duckery walked out onto the pitch blowing his whistle and ordered Max Merry to abandon the game. Mr. Merry removed his clothes and ran into the crowd. It took Duckery and his officers over an hour to quell the trouble. There was one arrest.
Editorial
Acting Detective Inspector Duckery can be boorish, he can be a little slow, and he is without doubt a cheap bully, but I never realised he is a complete numbskull. Pongo the orangutan is a much loved member of the Green Hills community. Pongo is a good family man and does charity work. Yes, he did bite a zoo keeper in 2008, but it was proved that the keeper was pinching Pongo's bananas. Just because someone says something in a pub, it does not necessarily make it true.
I am sad to see yet another Hornstown, Panchestor match abandoned. As for poor Lenny Tramp, he is in Panchestor Mental ward at the local hospital insisting he is from another planet. What a sad situation for such a beautiful man – we all wish him a speedy recovery.
Next Week:
Horacito Garraway attacks cuts to Green Hills arts funding.
The Green Hills elections get under way.
And something very slutty and rude for the less discerning reader.
The Hornstown Herald is to start a sister paper called The Panchestor Chronicle. This new paper will run YOUR contributions. So if you have a story, cartoon, photograph, etching, poem or some other writing that you feel you want to share email it to:
panchestor@gmail.com
We look forward to hearing from you.
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