Introduction
Thank-you for visiting the first online edition of the Hornstown Herald.
As this is the first issue there are some bugs to sort out. I suppose you could consider this a beta edition. Taking the salient stories from a newspaper and putting them in a blog format is a balancing act.
Over the next few weeks I hope that, with your help, we will find that balance.
We look forward to reading your comments, criticisms and compliments.
Enoch Bentley [editor]
DUPE-CHESTOR
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| Poster seen in Panchestor |
Panchestor is still reeling from the chaos caused by the trickster Lawrence Ladylove. Ladylove sold unresearched, randomly constructed and unauthorised words. Mayor Downbottom said “The town is sluhg with khug words. The nvmdu confusion rufefjka and the situation is icrijnikl.”
The scam started in June with the opening of Ladylove's store, Autowords. Using a strange wooden computer machine called Parolles, the fraudster encouraged the town's people to purchase and use the cut price words. The buy one word, get one free offer only compounded the problem.
In September the turmoil turned to tragedy when due to a misinterpretation of the new words Mr Henry Baker of Baker's Bakery lost his arm to the legendary Golden Mountain Lion of the Green Hills. Mr Baker said “Tell that Ladylove I want my bogging arm back”.
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| Artist's impression of Lawrence Ladylove |
Sergeant Duckery is coordinating the police team in the search for Ladylove. He said “I always knew he was a wrong'un. We attempted to apprehend Ladylove at his shop, but he had fled with his assistant. All that was left was that dovcnx machine and his samovar. We have released a likeness and asked mzxolop districts to be on the look out.
The Duke has commissioned Panchestor's official etymologist, Mr. William Salt of The Word Shop to untangle the bewildering puzzle of troublesome words. Mr. Salt said “It is not about whether a rose can smell as sweet by any other name, but how we know what to sniff if we can not communicate with one another”.
Editorial
Gibberish
The whole of the county is obviously abuzz with the story of the swindler, Lawrence Ladylove. I, myself, visited Panchestor just this week and heard the garbled words that have affected the language. Local police Sergeant Duckery wished me a wryplest morning and even the Duke stumbled over a speech when opening the new community Hall.
While this is a sad situation, and I do have sympathy for the people of Panchestor, I must question their rationale in buying the ridiculous words. It is estimated that more than 7000 new words were purchased over a ten week period. I can not imagine a hornstownian falling for such an obvious scam. Have they not heard of the story of the Emperor's new clothes?
Ladylove had a simple motive – money. The Pancunians need to look deeper into their hearts to find the reason for their actions - Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.
New words have always been expensive due to the protracted process in creating them, and they have often been considered a status symbol. The infatuation with the new words is another instance of the unsavoury influence of the world outside of Green Hills County, through McCulloch pass and beyond to Magna City. The wealthy young of Panchestor are bankrolled by their parents on expeditions to that concrete painted strumpet named Magna, and they return infected with a lust for possessions and unsavouriness.
Enoch Bentley
Simon Sharp and his predictive poop
Today I had a firm, yet steady motion. Upon examining the result of the third wipe there was a clear mark in the shape of the number 16, or possibly 91.
[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]
Get Ready For Horse Play
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| The annual Horse Fair |
The Annual Horse fair begins on the 4th of October and preparations at Pastor's Field are already under way. There will be the usual fairground rides, market stalls, eateries, point to point races, and, of course, the horse sales.
Mayor Downbottom of Panchestor has joined forces with Hornstown councillor Ian Hartfield in a show of unity in the hope that the troubles of last year will not be repeated. As you will all recall Mr. Henry Baker of Baker's Bakery lost his eye when the reenactment of the Battle of Pastor's Field turned into an opportunity to settle old scores.
The reenactment will still take place on the last day of the fair, but all replica weapons must be approved and certified by Sergeant Duckery, or Detective Inspector Dirk Sunburn. The certification deadline is 8th October.
Duke opens Hornstown Community Hall
After the terrible fire of 2008 when a fondue demonstration got out of hand, the new community hall was finally opened.
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| The Duke of Panchestor cuts the ribbon |
The Duke cut the ribbon on Tuesday and it was a red letter day for the whole county. Not only were the Duke's children, Lords Augustus and Gerrard, and Lady Petra in attendance, but the youngest, Lord George Nettlewich (19), made an appearance. Young Lord George has just returned from an extended stay in Magna City.
The Hall has been named the Garraway Community Hall after local lad made good, Actor/director Horatio Garroway. Mr. Garraway was in attendance.
The first local group to use the new hall will be the Hornstown Woman's Society, coincidentally the last group to use the old hall.
The Great Garraway Returns
Excitement is growing since the announcement of the cast for the latest production at the royal theatre, Panchestor.
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| Royal Theatre poster |
Son of Hornstown, Horatio Garraway, will play opposite the Magna city movie megastar, Violet Phipps. Miss Phipps, famous for that look in the film Big Bad Dave, is due to arrive in Green Hills County on Friday.
It will be the first time the play Get Up Them Stairs has been performed since author, Roland Oxbow's untimely death, in 1984, at the hands of his mother.
Until Oxbow's death and the subsequent grubby revelations about his family life, Oxbow had been the toast of Magna city. Ronald Oxbow, Roland's brother, said "We hope people will forget Roland's foul and ungodly acts, and focus on his body of work.
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| The Hornstown Herald Mountain Lion |
Collective Noun of the Week
A destruction of wildcats
Happy Birthday
Roberta Tongue, 12, of Hanging Green Lane.
In loving Memory
One Year on and we still miss you, Uncle Frank.
We miss your frown
Your upside down
Face that you had
Since you were a lad.
But having said all that
you were an autocrat
Who insisted on being called Midtown
Which is rather a silly proper noun.
Jenny and Philip capp
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Sorry about the rough and ready nature of the newspaper. HTML is like a whole other language.
