Stuffing Hell

Stuffing Hell

Visitors to Green Hills Zoo were up in arms over cages full of stuffed animals. The dead animals at the zoo have been replaced with taxidermic impostors.

Mrs Belinda Tongue (36) of Hanging green Lane said, “I decided to take my daughter, Roberta, and use up the complimentary tickets we received after the sheep debacle.

Mrs. Quillet's Beaver   Photograph: Green Lane

“At first we thought the beaver was just tired after chewing through a particularly thick log, but ten minutes later the beaver hadn't moved, so I poked it with a stick and the beaver fell off it's wooden stand. It was then I realised the beaver had been stuffed. My husband, Jonathan, then poked a three clawed sloth, it fell out of the tree. The sloth was also stuffed. Roberta is devastated. She is only twelve and does not understand stuffing”.

Many other visitors felt disappointment at the stuffed exhibits, though several also expressed sympathy for zoo manager Veronica Quillet. The zoo suffered an vile poisoning attack which resulted in the dead of over thirty animals including BooBoo the chimp.

A stuffed Two Toed Sloth   Photograph: Pingstone

Mrs Quillet said, “I know it is not a perfect situation, but until I get the new animals it is hard to fill the cages. Mr. Merry the blacksmith is a passionate taxidermist and offered me a few examples. I did not think people would notice the sloth as they are by nature a sedentary animal, well, more of a hanger-on really. In hindsight the beaver was a foolish choice. The beaver is a grafter – a mover. It was just that Mr. Merry had quite a few beavers - you could say he specialises in stuffing beavers”.

We found Mr. Merry at his stables and he said, “The beaver is not an endangered species here in Green Hills. I have never killed a beaver in my life. If you were to find a dead beaver and bring it to me, I would stuff it. It is a fascinating process. I always encourage people to watch me while I stuff the beaver. People are blowing the stuffing out of all proportion. They act like I am doing something unnatural, but it is a different story when their beloved pet dies.

“Only last week Mrs. Baker's pussy, Fanny, got knocked down by a horse and cart. She came to me, and I was happy to oblige her”.

In a twist of good fortune Magna Zoo contacted Mrs. Quillet and offered Green Hills the loan of some of their surplus animals. Apparently Magna Zoo have a glut of animals after a particularly successful year's breeding programme – so Green Hill Zoo will again echo to the sound of yelps, yaps and meows.

Message From Magna

By Herbert Westby

Magna City is an abomination. A crude, noisy, sweat stain on the armpit of the earth. It is also the most shocking, dangerous, blood pumpingly exciting place on the planet.

Unlike Green Hills County where modern technology is regulated by the Duke. Where all but the police and the Duke himself, travel by cart and carriage pulled by horse or oxen. In Magna City the roar of massive automobiles signal the journeys of the people. Shops signs sing in neon, and many stores are open night and day. Music of all types is everywhere. And the women dress in a most exotic manner.

At first I was a terrified. At first I avoided walking after dark. I stayed home, but even that was a mad encounter with technology. Television might seem like nothing to you Earvians, outsiders, but to a Green Hills lad it is wizardry. And don't start me on the internet, but then that is why am here, to allow you Earvians to get a glimpse of Green Hills life.

Over the next few weeks I hope to explore Magna city through the eyes of a Hornstownian. There is an old Green Hills saying if it's not under your foot it's in your way, but I will tread carefully and look around me and open your eyes to the Magic of the land beyond McCulloch pass.

Phipps Murder

The Beautiful Violet Phipps

Violet Phipps continues to be the main topic of conversation in the Green Hills. Her death was a violent one and now we know it was poison that ended her life.

DI Dirk Sunburn said, “Doctor Swann has completed his autopsy report. He found high levels of cyanide in Miss Phipp's body – enough to kill her. There were also abnormal levels of ricin, strychnine and Potassium chloride.

The doctor found a single puncture wound in keeping with the use of a hypodermic needle in the back of the victim's neck. We are withholding the rest of the autopsy report from the public. We believe an arrest is imminent”.

A Young Davy Tock

Nick Tock

In an update to this report, police searched several caravans at the Horse Fair and found Miss Phipps' famous blue pearls beneath the bed of Davy Tock of the fairground Tocks. The Duke has signed a warrant for the arrest of Davy Tock and the rest of his family are helping police with their enquiries. Davy Tock is still at large and believed to be in the Green Hills area. He is considered dangerous. If you see Mr. Tock do not approach him - call the police on Panchester 919.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

I haven't managed to go today, but yesterday was a fine day. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a rather blurred, but still identifiable mark in the shape of actor and wit Stephen Fry's profile. I am not sure how you can use this information at the bookmakers - predictive poop can be unpredictable.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Happy 21^st Birthday

To Police Officer Basil Scales

Lots of Love from Mum and Dad

Willy – in memorial

When we won you at the Horse fair you came with a bowl

And sadly an eating disorder that was very hard to control

We thought there was nothing to stop your never ending pig out

Until you became the very first goldfish to die of flipper gout

Jenny and Philip Capp

Collective noun of the week

A pitying of turtledoves

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are launching the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

There has been much distraction this week with the news that the zoo has been using stuffed animals. I for one do not condemn Veronica Quillet. How is a small zoo supposed to cope with the senseless murder of thirty animals? And where are the insurers? They are quick enough to take our money, but when we need them the whole pace of life changes. I am sure they must be in league with the banks and lawyers.

The real stories of course, is the murder of the lovely Violet Phipps. Now it seems that it was poison that took her life.

Has anyone else noticed that the poisons are the same ones that killed the zoo animals? If these two incidents are connected, which would seem logical then how can Davy Tock be the murderer? He would have been in Magna City with the fairground in the week the zoo animals were poisoned. We can lock Mr. Tock away – after all, he probably did steal the blue pearls, but the killer, in this paper's opinion, will still be roaming the streets of Hornstown and Panchestor.

Next week's special feature:

Mandy and Tony Slackcloth are back from their food tour of Middle England.

Get a preview on youtube @ Mandy and Tony - On Coffee

Phipps Dead

Phipps Found Dead

Violet Phipps in Big Bad Dave with that look

Superstar actress, Violet Phipps (32), has been found dead in her suite of rooms at the Royal Court Hotel.
Angela Spenser, a chambermaid at the Royal Court, found the body of Miss Phipps on Wednesday morning when cleaning the suite. Miss Phipps had been in Panchestor performing in the smash hit show Get Up Them Stairs.

Officer Jennifer Ashton was first on the scene, soon followed by Sergeant Duckery and Detective Inspector Dirk Sunburn. Doctor Derek Swann was called to the Royal Court and at 12:21pm pronounced Miss Phipps dead. DI Sunburn said the police are treating the death as suspicious.

Angela Spenser said, “I first suspected something was not quite right when I went to clean Miss Phipps' rooms. I found her door open. I wondered if Miss Phipps had just forgotten to close the door so I called through, but received no reply. I entered the suite and called again. The place was like a bomb site – all the cupboards and drawers were open and Miss Phipps' possessions were everywhere.

Violet Phipps in Very Little

“I walked through the suite to the master bedroom. I can tell you, I was terrified. I went into the bedroom. I did not see her at first. Her body was on the bed beneath a sheet. I called her name, but she did not response. I shock her shoulder and the sheet fell away from her face – it was then I knew she was dead. I have never seen an expression like it. For such a beautiful face to be twisted, distorted in such terror – such agony. I will never forget that face”.

Miss Spenser was later struck down with nervous shock and is staying with her brother Reverend Spenser, and his wife, Hilda Spenser, at Hornstown rectory.

In a police statement DI Sunburn said, “We can confirm that the body of Violet Phipps was found in her suite of rooms at the Royal Court Hotel, Panchestor. The door to her rooms had been forced open. There is evidence that the rooms were searched by a person or persons unknown.

Royal Court Hotel
Panchestor

“There is little more I can add until the completion of the autopsy and crime scene analysis, but we are definitely treating this death as suspicious – we suspect foul play.

“As you may know Miss Phipps was an orphan, but we are trying to contact her friends, and our thoughts are with the people who were close to her”.

Panchestor council have set up a help line for people distressed by the death of Miss Phipps. If you need to talk you can call: Panchestor – 4453.

Bicycle Thief

Police were called to the home of Belinda Tongue, (36), of Hanging Green Lane, Hornstown on Sunday. Mrs. Tongue reported a child's pink Bicycle stolen.

Raleigh rsw 16

In an exclusive interview Mrs. Tongue told the Herald “I heard a noise out the back on Saturday night, but thought nothing of it. On Sunday morning my husband, Jonathan, happened to go into the back garden and found that the shed door had been forced and Roberta's Bike was missing.
"She had only got it last week for her birthday. It was a pink Raleigh RSW 16 with a white carry case on the back. We had paid for it on lay-away at the Hornstown cooperative for the last 6 months. What kind of monster would do such a thing”.

Constable Jennifer Ashton said, “This is the first bicycle thief in Hornstown this year. We are treating this case very seriously. It could be the thin end of a formidable wedge”.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

Today I had a loose, speedy and rather unsatisfying motion. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a clear mark in the shape of a tea clipper in full sail.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Horse Fair Opens

Lady Petra Nettlewich enjoys a ride

Saturday saw the grand opening of the Annual Horse Fair at Pastor's Field. The Duke opened the fair, and he and his family tried some of the rides.

The Duchess of
Panchestor

It was a somber occasion for the Duke as this weekend is the tenth anniversary of the death of the Duchess. Duchess Hilda Nettlewich died in a freak carriage accident on Pleasant road when her horses bolted after being frightened by the lights of the big wheel.

Earlier in the day Pleasant Lane was closed so the Duke and his family could pay their respects at the statue erected in remembrance of the Duchess.

Silver Mine Is a Gold Mine

The John Horn silver mine has reported record profits.

John Horn Silver Mine

John Horn created the mining company after stumbling on Green Hills County in 1862. The mining operation continues to be the largest employer in the Green Hills.

Clark Cloud, the mine's manager said, “It is a pleasing state of affairs given the financial circumstances around the world. Even though this is a positive report we can not relax. We must continue to endeavour to be the most efficient mining company n the world”.

Union leader, Jeff Fox Said “Bugger efficiency and endeavour. It's time those buggers at the top started talking about reward. Reward for the efforts and sacrifices of the workers. It is us that risk our lives, it is us that breaks sweat and get our bodies torn by the unforgiving rocks. It is us, the workers, should get the benefits”.

Animal Crackers

Mrs. Veronica Quillet,
the zoo manager

The autopsy of the dead animals from the Green Hills Zoo is complete. The results suggest that the animals at the zoo were killed with a variety of different poisons. The killer or killers injected the poisons into the backs of the necks of the animals.

Dr. Derek Swann said, “There were several different poisons used, including cyanide, hemlock, ricin, strychnine and Potassium chloride. Another interesting point is that the volume of poison was different with each animal, but the amounts did not seem random”.

Mrs. Veronica Quillet, the zoo manager, to shocked to comment.

Matthew, one year on

Some say your bark was worse than your bite

But even Mr. Meadows, the postman, knows that's not quite right -

And Mr. Merry and Mr. Hartfield,
And Mrs. Quillet and Herbert Westby

And Mr. Baker and Nurse Harting,
And Roberta Tongue and Officer Duckery.

We cried when we received the order to destroy

They didn't understand, you were really a good boy.

Jenny and Philip Capp

Twelve today.

Happy Birthday Lucian Spenser.

Collective noun of the week

A crash of rhinoceroses

Editorial

Death now stalks the streets and lanes of Green Hills County. I refer not only to the tragic death of Violet Phipps, but all the zoo animals that, it turns out, were poisoned.

First to Miss Phipps. It is always sad when a young life is lost and to lose one so talented and so loved compounds the emptiness felt by all in Green Hills. The circumstances surrounding the death of Miss Phipps are alarming. It appears that her rooms were broken into and she was robbed and killed. Are the people of Panchestor safe in their houses?

As for the zoo poisonings, it appears that someone has been carrying out a macabre series of experiments, but to what purpose? Why use so many different kinds of poisons? And the different volumes of poison, why? It seems to me that this is the beginning of something, not the end.

There are already whispers on the streets relating these killings to the fairground workers, but we must not jump to conclusions and make unsubstantiated accusations. We must wait for the police, we must wait for the facts and we must wait for the process of law to do it's job.

Herbert Westby, my contact in Magna City and online technician has done a fabulous job. The comments section of the Hornstown Herald blog are up and running so I look forward to hearing from you, the readers.

Next week: The Hornstown herald word competition is launched.

Special News Update
Due to excessive ticket demand Get Up Them Stairs has been held over at the Royal Theatre, Panchestor. The Play's run has been extended by 14 days. Tickets are on sale now.

Get Up Them Stairs, starring the most successful actress in the world, Violet Phipps and Hornstown's own superstar actor/director Horatio Garroway created unheard of excitement when it was announced in June and has not disappointed.
On Friday, a near riotous scramble for the scant seven day run of tickets caused chaos on the streets of Panchestor. It is hoped that a further two week run will sate the Green Hills County's thirst for high culture and star-spotting.

We have released this unprecedented online news update to give out-of-towners a chance of getting hold of a ticket.
Good luck.

Enoch Bentley.