Murder Most Moist

Sarah Churchlikka Murdered

Artist's impression of the death of
Sarah Churchlikka.
By Edgar Degas

The whole of Green Hills County is in shock. European soprano Sarah Churchlikka was found dead in her hotel bathroom at the Royal Court Hotel on Monday morning at eight-fifteen by chamber maid, Angela Spenser. It was Miss Angela Spenser (31) who found Violet Phipps dead three weeks ago at the same hotel.

DI Dirk Sunburn arrived on the scene and immediately called Dr. Derek Swann to examine the body. Officer Jennifer Ashton (22) carried out a forensic examination of the suite of rooms.

DI Sunburn said, “This is a horrible murder, and yes it is definitely murder. We found Mrs Churchlikka's body lying in the bath. There were orchids and lily's floating on the water, and burnt-out candles around the edge of the bath. Sergeant Duckery reached in to empty the bath water and jumped back as if bitten. Almost immediately the Sergeant was complaining of a tingling sensation around his mouth and lips, then within a couple of minutes he could not breathe. Thankfully Dr. Swann was present and he began artificial respiration.”

The cause of death and Duckery's affliction was soon evident.

Blue ringed octopus

DI Sunburn continues, “Something moved in the bath water. A flash of brown and blue, and again, then it disappeared between Mrs Churchlikka's legs. I got on the phone and called the zoo manager, Veronica Quillet to the scene of the crime.”

Mrs Quillet arrived with one of her keepers and, with care and considerable skill they began to examine the bath. Mrs Quillet manoeuvred a tong-like implement under and around Mrs Churchlikka's body and finally came up with a six inch brown speckled and blue leviathan.

Tongs on a flannel background

Mrs Quillet said, “At first I was unsure of what we were dealing with, but then I saw a glimpse of the creature, and identified the tiny sea devil as the blue ringed octopus – one of the most toxic monsters in the sea. The difficulty is in catching octopuses, they can squeeze into the smallest crack or crevice. I tried to be respectful towards Mrs Churchlikka's cadaver, but the octopus showed a fair amount of animal cunning.”

Mrs Quillet has given the killer octopus a home at Green Hills zoo, but it will not be on public display to discourage ghoulish thrill seekers.”

DI Sunburn gave a clue to his thinking process in his final statement to the press.

“This murder was a deliberate and considered act. Imagine, the horror, a tiny bite then you are paralysed – did she die of the bite or drown in the bath? Hopefully Dr Swann can shed some light. Whoever killed Mrs Churchlikka is very dangerous. To drop a highly poisonous octopus in a woman's bath water seems to suggest an intelligent, cold, and calculating mind – and a diseased one.

Sergeant Duckery in iron lung

“I can not say for sure that the death of Mrs Churchlikka is linked to the murder of Violet Phipps, but I don't like coincidences. Two poisonings in the space of four weeks, both victims famous performers, both murders committed in the same hotel. For now we will treat the murders as separate. We ask that the people of Green Hills County are vigilant, and are careful to lock their doors and windows at night”.

Sergeant Duckery is in Green Hills Hospital and only breathing because of an iron lung. There is no antidote to the toxin, but hopefully the poison will wane and the Sergeant will recover.

Chief suspect in the Phipps case, Davy Tock, is still unconscious in his bed at Panchestor hospital, but if it is proved that the murders are linked then Mr. Tock will have to be released. The police have spent the last few weeks building a case against Mr. Tock instead of looking for the real killer despite the protestations of this very newspaper.

Stolen Bicycle

Raleigh RSW 16

Police have recovered a pink Raleigh RSW 16 that was stolen on Saturday the 6^th October. The bicycle, a birthday present belonging to Roberta Tongue (12), was stolen from the Tongue family shed.

Mrs Belinda Tongue said, “Our Roberta has cried herself to sleep every night since her bike was taken. She will be overjoyed to hear it has been recovered. I would just like to thank the Green Hills Police Force for their excellent work”.

Police found the RSW 16 on the Green Hills foot hills behind Lake Doris. It is believed this was the vehicle used by Davy Tock in his escape.

Officer Jennifer Ashton said, “Maybe Tock didn't kill Phipps, but he definitely stole the bike, and I'll have him for that”.

Papa's not got a squeeze box

Beethoven could have
avoided deafness

Hornstown scientist Doctor Burt Grimshaw says he is close to finding a cure for the accordion.

Dr Grimshaw (92) said, “For too many years people have had to suffer the indignity, discomfort and shame of listening to the accordion, but no more. With my new patent pending accordion hammer I believe that with some therapeutic slogging, pummelling, bashing, walloping and beating the accordion can be a thing of the past.”

The accordion has ruined thousands of lives. It was the accordion that sent Beethoven deaf and turned European artist Adolf Hitler into a homicidal manic. Other victims of the accordion include Dr Stephen Hawkings, American vocalist Barry Manilow and Romania.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

It has been a difficult week. I have been off my food and this has had a dreadful affect on my regularity. I did manage something, but I would hardly call it a motion. Anyway, upon examining the result of my third wipe I could clearly see the words kale heresy.

Collective noun of the week

A bike of hornets

Singalong a Hymn

Many readers of The Herald have written in to ask if we can print the lyrics to Father Farrell's hymn O Lord Thou Art so Winsome. We understand that there have been complains about the quality of the recording of Poor Sarah Churchlikka's version of the hymn. So for all you sing-along pedants with nothing better to do, here they are.

O Lord Thou Art So Winsome

The clouds they scoot across the sky

And rainbows bow from vale to hill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K0RuwzPTEA

It is a sweet and lovely thing

O Lord thou art so winsome

The angels breathe life in the lion

And pitch fire into thunder

We see your might and your power

O Lord thou art so winsome

The robin roosts with the squirrel

And candles burn in wondrous grace

We pray to your glorious world

O Lord thou art so winsome

You put the strength into my arms

To smite the beast upon the jaw

As it dies you bless the sinner

O Lord thou art so winsome

Evil Shrivels and it withers

It's filthy blood will boil to dust

And you spare it nowt but blessing

O Lord thou art so winsome

Click on the link beneath the photograph of Mrs Churchlikka to hear the hymn.

Lonely Hearts

Unhygienic pensioner suffering

from alien parasitic worm in head

seeks similar for friendship

and possibly more.

PO Box – pan 333

Taxidermist and beaver enthusiast seeks

strong, proud woman with own horse and cart.

PO Box – pan 678

Amateur ventriloquist and butcher looking for

petite lady with brobdingnagian hands.

PO Box – pan 343

Cuddly equestrian florist with curable,

but much loved degenerative neurological

disorder seeks milk based pudding.

PO Box – pan 845

Lesbian satanist civil servant, GSOH

seeks wilful N/S alopecic lycanthrope

for good clean fun.

PO Box – pan 563

Editorial

The sun has hidden itself behind a cloud. The birds have stopped singing, and the leaves have fallen from the trees (okay, it's Autumn, but you see what I mean). European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka is dead. I can not even think about where the deadly cephalopod bite the unfortunate songbird.

Lets hope that the Green Hills County Police are up to the job. There is a cunning and cruel killer on the loose.

I for one will celebrate when Dr Grimshaw's accordion cure is available to all. Only the other day as I promenaded down Panchestor High Street my ears were assaulted by the evil instrument. The Devil's own squeeze box gave me such a turn that you might have noticed that this issue of the Hornstown Herald is very, very late. I am still walking with a slight limb.

Enoch Bentley

Next Week: 

Angelic, ageing pop rocker, Ricky Raccoon unleashes his new Christmas song.

Shameful Priest Attacked

Bad Vicar - Destination St. Jude's

Father Farrell And his puppet

Angry parishioners stormed the pulpit at Saint Jude's Church, Panchestor on Sunday. Father Andrew Farrell (44), outraged the congregation by delivering the sermon dressed as Third Reich mass murderer, Adolf Hitler. The priest further enraged the church goers by delivering the sermon ventriloquist style, using a devil puppet, and speaking in the voice of a little girl.

St. Jude's regular Mr. Ernest Baker (53), of Baker's Bakery said, “Even through my one good eye I could see that all was not bogging right. Hitler was evil, so to grow a toothbrush moustache like that is asking for trouble. And as for the devil doll, it said some bad things – bogging bad”.

Father Farrell first shocked parishioners when he walked from the vestry and onto the chancel wearing the Hitler moustache and with his hair plastered across his forehead. The priest then leaded over the lectern, raised his right arm in a Nazi gesture and cried out “Sieg Heil”. Father Farrell continued with another Nazi style salute and this time cried out “Sieg Heil Gott”. At this point there were cries from the congregation of “shame” and “get off”. The Father ignored these calls and whipped out the devil puppet.

Nurse Elisabeth Harting (31), explained, “We were already in shock from Father Farrell's appearance and gestures, but the puppet was the limit. He put it on his hand, moved it's head and started to speak in a high-pitched voice with a slight lisp. He wasn't very good, I could see his lips moving. He kept saying 'The devil is in me, f**k me, f**k me. I am the lord of the flies, pollute, punish, f**k yourselves'. Children were crying, then Sergeant Duckery pulled out his truncheon and charged the pulpit.

“People were throwing kneeling cushions, and I was hit in the back of the head by a copy of The Book of Common Prayer. Father Farrell drew a sword from beneath his cassock and scythed it out in front of himself, but it was too late – sheer numbers overwhelmed him. At first the Father tried to hide behind the ridel, but the curtain was torn from it's rail, so he ran into the apse and bolted the door. Someone pulled the frontal from the altar, sending the Nettlewich Triptych and candlesticks crashing to the floor.

St. Jude's would have been raised to the ground if were not for a miracle.

"A sound of pure and sweet beauty rose above the bedlam, cutting through the hue and cry. It was the voice of an angel. It was the voice of European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka singing Father Farrell's wonderful hymn O Lord thou art so winsome. The hysteria subsided until all eyes were on Miss Churchlikka. After the song the congregation walked quietly from the church”.

Father Farrell prepares for
naked Wednesday evensong

It is not the first time Father Farrell has caused controversy at St. Jude's. Only last year the Father broke his leg while introducing a new kind of genuflection, and then there was gargle the name of the Lord month, and naked Wednesday evensong.

We gave Father Farrell a chance to reply to the report and he said, “I know I have upset some people and I am sorry for that. I was only trying to show the congregation that symbols and words in themselves are not evil, it is the Devil and his deeds that they have to watch. But they would not listen – perhaps they are listening now. They did not give me time to speak. Pancunians can be so impatient. They get all dressed up each Sunday and roll in looking for a fight. If they want a f**king fight, I'll give them one. Beelzebub is knocking at every door in Green Hills County and all those weaselly f**king b*****ds can think of is their stupid bl**dy lives. Lucifer is waiting his moment and it will be soon. The Prince of Darkness is coming, you'll see, you'll see. That will show you, you f**k-wits”.

The Duke has issued a statement, “We, the leaders of the Green Hills diocese, will be examining all of the complains, and will issue a report in due time. Until then Father Farrell will continue at St. Jude's, but ventriloquist will be banned from the church”.

Beauty Fills the Green Hills

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K0RuwzPTEA

European soprano, Sarah Churchlikka is setting Panchestor alight with her wonderful voice. Even in rehearsal Mrs. Churchlikka can bring tears to the eyes of music lovers – she is indeed a gift from God.

The Hornstown Herald has managed to obtain a copy of a Churchlikka rehearsal. The quality of the recording is not great, but you will be able to get a feel for the work of an opera singer at the top of her game. Added to this, our very own Herbert Westby has arranged some still images to make the experience perfect.


Simply click the link beneath the image of Sarah Churchlikka and the Magna City Ensemble to hear the spirit and the glory.

Collective Nouns

A richness of martens

Ask Agnes

Agnes Skillet, Hornstown butcher and friend to all of Green Hills gives readers the benefit of her wisdom. Get the advice you need in a trusting environment and retain your anonymity.

Dear Agnes

I have a problem. You see, my staff at work do not respect me. I feel they are laughing at me behind my back. If I say left, they say right – what can I do?

Disrespected of Panchestor

Dear Colonel Sherman Glasscock

Pull yourself together, and leave the real soldiering to Captain Bladderack, everyone knows he is the real force behind the Green Hills Light Division.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

Today as I sat on the toilet I was not even sure I wanted to go, but then after a couple of stuttering farts a smooth immense motion came out all in one piece. Upon the third wipe I examined the paper and was amazed to see that the sheet was completely clean – not a mark to be seen. This is the ultimate lucky sign so I will be buying two lottery tickets.

I can hear the night calling for me,

The window can never keep it at bay.

It is looking for a point of access.

As I watch, it's grey mist hand strokes the pane,

I cover my head with the eiderdown.

The sound of blood pumping through my ears

Is preferable to the breath of the night.

My only escape is if I can sleep

Jenny and Philip Capp

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are running the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a Yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^Th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

Regular readers will notice this is a truncated and late issue of the Herald. This is due to the storm that torn down telephone lines and temporarily closed down McCulloch Pass. Blacksmith, taxidermist and sometime phone exchange engineer, Mr. Max Merry has repaired the lines of communication so I could send some of the Hornstown Herald to Magna City for online publication.

Prime suspect and fairground worker, Davy Tock is still unconscious and the police are no nearer to finding the killer of superstar Violet Phipps. An unknown assailant poisoned Miss Phipps in her hotel room at The Royal Panchestor Hotel Three weeks ago.

The police seem to think they have their man, The Hornstown Herald think otherwise. Read next week's Herald to find out who killed Violet Phipps.

Lastly, there is little over a week to enter the Herald word competition. We have had many entries from Greens Hill county residents, but it would be lovely to have some more entries from outsiders.

COUNCIL CUTS CRIPPLE LOCAL ECONOMY

Prime Cuts

Panchestor Town Hall             Photograph: Ricalton

Financial cuts have ripped through the very fabric of Green Hills society.

The extraordinary meeting of Panchestor and Hornstown councils has resulted in cut backs to almost all areas of life. Councillor Ian Hartfield of Hornstown and the Panchestor mayor, Ronald P. Downbottom made the announcements on the steps of Panchestor Town Hall.

Mayor Downbottom

Hardest hit by the cuts were Handicapped Horses Holiday Homes and the Forest Reclamation Yard, which have received a winding up order.

Mrs. Veronica Quillet, zoo manager and board member of HHHH said “This is a sad day for our less fortunate equine friends.

“Who, if not us, will give these horses the holidays they so richly deserve. Take Dobber, the coal merchant's horse, he struggles on day after day despite a congenital fetlock defect. Dobber's only joy in life was his annual holiday – what has he got to look forward to now? And all this coming on top of the cruel attacks on my beaver”. Mrs. Quillet was exposed last week in this very newspaper for using stuffed animals at the zoo.

Artie Sim, FRY Director.
In Forestry Safety Clothing

Artie Sim of FRY said, “I can't blame the council really. It never caught on. No one wants forests these days”. The forests remaining in the yard will now be turned into garden furniture.

Also hit is the Sexual Education Programme – from Friday they will only congregate twice a week, Panchestor Institute of Grocers will merge with Hornstown Organisation of Grocers, and next year's Horse Fair will have to be funded by the private sector.

Flannelette

The police budget will be cut by 4%; council budgets are frozen for two years; and the foreign office staff will be halved – as yet it is not known whether it will be Mr. Plint or Mr. Grim who has to leave.

Pensions will be frozen this year, but pensioners will not, as a flannelette allowance will now kick in should the temperature drop below zero.

The 8% defence cuts mean that no new helmet plumage will be allocated for the next two years. “We will just have to hold onto our hats”, said Colonel Sherman Glasscock of the Green Hills Light Division.

As One Curtain Closes, Another One Opens

Sarah Churchlikka with the Magna Court Ensemble

The run of Get Up Them Stairs ends at the Royal Court Theatre on Friday. The attendances did drop after the violent death of superstar Violet Phipps, but understudy Gayle Gale gave it her best. Hornstown's own star actor/director, Horatio Garraway said, “It was difficult, but I made it through the nights. I will now go to Cocktwaite and immerse myself in yoga – I have a new mat”.

Taking over the theatre on Saturday for one week is the European soprano Sarah Churchlikka. Miss Churchlikka will be accompanied by the Fabulous Magna Court Ensemble.

As well as performing works by Puccini, Verdi and Mozart, Miss Churchlikka will sing hymns written by Panchestor's own Father Andrew Farrell – including his most famous hymn, O Lord thou art winsome.

Phipps Murder Latest

Rabies Shot

Davy Tock, prime suspect in the Violet Phipps murder case has been apprehended. Tock was caught on Tuesday in the upper reaches of the Green Hills, and is now in Panchestor hospital suffering from hypothermia and what appear to be animal bites.

Mr. Tock is now under armed guard in the Royal Hospital where he is expected to stay for the next week. He is receiving a prophylactic rabies treatment for the bites.

DI Dirk Sunburn, at the bedside of Tock, said, “This case is not closed. We will interview Davy Tock when he regains consciousness. Oh my Lord, what is that? A needle? Rabies Shots? But its so... Oh, the unparalleled horror of it... ”

Allibabi

The End Of A Fair

The Horse fair has finished and the Tock family, have left the county with their rides and stalls. As the carts rolled through Panchestor, matriarch Irene Tock cried out, “we will be back for Davy. A curse upon your loins”.

Pastor's Field was not as busy as previous years. Organisers believe that the negative publicity surrounding the murder of Miss Phipps had discouraged visitors. The second week saw solid business as the horse sales and point to point racing began. The Duke watched as his horse, allibabi, won the Nettlewich cup.

Simon Sharp and his predictive poop

This morning, after eating an out of date yoghurt, I only just made it to the lavatory. Upon examining the results of the third wipe there was a smudged impression of a poorly endowed ram.

[Disclaimer – This prediction is solely the view of Simon Sharp. The Hornstown Herald accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by following this prediction. We do not condone gambling.]

Message from Magna

By Herbert Westby

In Magna City everyone has a telephone in the home. Imagine that. No need to go to the Post Office and talk while Post Mistress Laura Horn watches on – and possibly listens in.

Even more amazing is that most Magnaites have a portable telephone that can fit in a pocket. I have seen children with portable phones, chatting away while they are out shopping with their parents.

Magna city also boasts telephone cubicles on the streets, but please do not respond to any of the advertisements situated in these boxes. I rang a young lady named Melissa only to find she was not leggy, slim, submissive, or nineteen – or a lady.

Next week: outsider banking – the perfect career move for ageing highway men, and women.

Ask Agnes

Agnes Skillet, Hornstown butcher and friend to all of Green Hills gives readers the benefit of her wisdom. Get the advice you need in a trusting environment and retain your anonymity.

Dear Agnes

I have a problem. You see, I has fallen for a beautiful woman. The trouble is that I am not very experienced with the fairer sex. Every time I try to ask her on a date I become tongue tied and just give her a gift. Worse still, the gifts have not helped her, if anything they have had the opposite effect. What should I do?

Lonely of Panchestor

Dear Mr. Merry

Pull yourself together, and tell Mrs. Quillet you love her, before she is knee deep in stuffed beavers.

To the Hornstown School headmaster.

On your retirement.

Some say you are just too hairy

Like a horse or a boiled sweet

On a barber shop floor.

Some say you smell kind of funny

Like a ferret or a biscuit

In an abandoned Drawer.

Many say you are inhuman

Cruel, abusive and violent

To us you're Mister Moore.

Jenny and Philip Capp

Collective noun of the week

A troupe of shrimps

The Word Shop Competition

The Hornstown Herald in association with The Word Shop are running the annual word competition.

The format is the same as always. You simply need to find a space in the dictionary where there is no word for a given situation, feeling or object.

The word could explain an unusual experience. For example, what is the word for the feeling you get when you tread on a slug in bare feet – would it be a slubberty, or a blaherist?

Or the name for the excess batter stuck to the sides of a yorkshire pudding – clacty?

Once you have come up with your idea, all you need to do is email your new word and definition to the Herald at – hornstownherald@gmail.com

This is a free competition for all readers of the Herald in print and online. There is no age limit.

The deadline is Tuesday, 9^th November 2010.

The judges.

The Judges will be Word Shop owner William Salt and Herald editor Enoch Bentley.

The prize.

First prize is to have your word authenticated by the Duke of Panchestor including the Royal Word Charter. You will also receive a goodie bag of readables.

Second prize is a packet of junk from around the Herald office.

Terms and conditions

The judges decision is final.

No correspondence will be entered into unless I can be bothered.

The prizes are not transferable.

Editorial

We all expected cuts. Despite the protection of McCulloch Pass, Green hills County can not escape the affects of world affairs. My only issue is that as usual it is the ordinary man and woman who has to suffer. Although I do not expect the pandemonium seen in France, I do expect union leader and Marxist, Jeff Fox (50) to organise some kind of demonstration. This paper supports all nonviolent protest.

So Davy Tock has been apprehended. I was pleased to hear that DI Sunburn had not closed the case. This paper believes that, 1. The killer is still on the loose, and 2. The killer is a local resident.

I have researched the background of Miss Phipps and found that she was born in the fishing village of Littlepool to a Mr and Mrs. Kelvin Mainmatch. Sadly the Mainmatches were killed in a freak fishing accident, and the newly ophaned baby was sent to live in Magna City with her Aunt Doris Phipps. This is where the police should begin their search for the killer – in the past.

As I write this article my Magna associate, Herbert Westby is on the case.

Don't forget to enter the Word Shop competition.