Sunday, 26 February 2012

Strumpet's Last Dick


Sir Holden Strumpet
Sir Holden Strumpet, Green Hills' poet laureate, has devoured and digested Herman Melville's Moby Dick and then, from his very core, disgorged a trilogy of poems as an homage to the book.
In an extraordinary exclusive The Hornstown Herald proudly presents the third part of, what is already being called, The Holden Dick trilogy.

East of King's mill Island
And west of Fanning Isle,
A ghostly call resounds
Within a moonless mile.

There's those that think it's Ahab
Still lassoed to the whale,
Or Tashtego hammering
The seahawk like a nail.

I have sailed these waters
And heard the yard arms weep,
Captain Gardiner calls not
For the soul he seeks.

The cry is not the lost crew
Of the Pequod wrestling hell,
Or the Rachel's orphans
Shouting for help still.

What I heard was Moby's
Sage warning to his sons,
Never trust a human
The drama's never done.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Killer Wasp Attack Shock Horror



Green Hills County Zoo has withdrawn it's planning application for an extension to the Wasp Enclosure after Roger Quayle (7) of Rotten Row, Hornstown, was stung to death.

Greta The Singing Rhinoceros
Roger Quayle Poses With His Father
Roger, a wavy haired, slack-jawed and rather unsavoury youth was on a trip to the zoo with Hornstown Primary School. The school had attended the zoo to see the new attraction, Greta the singing rhinoceros.
It was during a performance by the rhino that Roger split from the group.
Master Quayle was trying to make his way to the Petting Enclosure. He was notorious the length and breath of Panchestor High Street for his overly tactile tendencies, so his destination was of no surprise.
A Wasp
Richard Bartz
Miss Hermione Wool (31) single, teacher, said “The first I heard was when that sneak Philip Capp (9), poet, alerted me to Roger's disappearing act. I instantly knew where that little freak would go, and I was running to the petting enclosure when I heard Roger's cries.”
Roger, a backward child, misread the signposts and ended up at the Wasp Enclosure. It is a well-known fact amongst entomologists and the general public that wasps do not respond well to being fondled.
Primary school teacher, Miss Wool continues, “I turned and ran to the Wasp enclosure, but it was too late, they were stinging the cr*p out of him. I called for help for a good three minutes before Daghound Douglas turned up".

Mrs Veronica Quillet
At a press conference held later the same day Mr. Douglas, 27, elk historian and qualified insect wrangler, said, “When I got into the enclosure Master Quayle was sprawled out on the floor. The wasps were easy to round up as they were tired and shagged out from all the stinging. As soon as it was safe Mrs Quillet entered and pulled Roger to her ample busom. He was one big red swollen sting in a blazer and shorts. Mrs Quillet called to him, 'Roger, Roger, can you hear me?'. The boy opened his puffy eyes, whispered something in Mrs Quillet's ear and passed away”.
Mrs Quillet tried to avoid answering the question on everybody's lips – what were Roger's final words?
In the end Mrs Quillet answered, “I pulled Roger close to me and he looked up and said, 'Zaftig'. I do not know what it means”.
It is believed that the Zoo will now use the wasp enclosure extension budget to build a recording studio for Greta.

Putin's Big Debut


In an attempt to encourage a lower class of reader we at The Hornstown Herald are trying a variety of tactics.
Tactic number 1: Bright shiny things.

By Herbert Westby
If you enjoy this cartoon please let us know, and we will get Herbert to knock another one out. If you despise everything about it, and think you can do better, please send us your efforts and if they meet our, admittedly, rather pitiful standards we will publish them.

Enoch Bentley