The Bumper Xmas 2011 Issue

Panchestor Xmas Tree

It's the Christmas season in Green Hills County, and everyone is out and about preparing for the festive onslaught. Legendary actor, Horacio Garraway switched on the lights in Panchestor town square, the Duke made a speak, the people cheered and much wassail punch was drunk. Little did they know of the vile villainy that would be inflicted on the tree lights.

Dear reader,
Fred Raccoon's Christmas song, "It ain't Christmas (without the one I love)" is available for free download at MP3/Last Fm (there is a button to the right). It is also up and running on YouTube. Have a happy Christmas listening to the song while you gnaw on your partner's dried out old turkey.

The Hokkicokki Shake It All About

Mrs Humpet with Donny and Marie
Photo: D. Lange

The Wilson Thicket Trading Post has been burnt to the grow in a violent and unprovoked attack, and the trader Percy Isambard Humpet (64) is missing.

It is believed that Big Chief Long Fish led an elite group of Hokkicokki warriors in the attack on Friday night. Thankfully Mrs. Humpet (38) and the children, Donny (7) and Marie (5) had been visiting her younger sister, Clara Biscuit (36) at the fishing town of Littlepool.

Big Chief Long Fish

Mrs. Humpet said “Things at the trading post ain't been good since the Duke rejected the Hokkicokki's demands for a bigger share of the monies. Them Indians refused to sell my Percy their wares, and last Wednesday that Long Fish burst into the store with a whole bunch of 'em all painted up, and just took blankets and candy canes... and stuff. There was this strange pale-faced one in a big headdress whispering in Long Fish's ear all the while, and then the pale face said all trees belong to the Hokkicokki, and right up and took my Christmas tree. Some of them baubles were handed down from my mother. They are surely holding my Percy hostage, and him with his feet – he's not a young man anymore.”

Wilson Thicket Trading Post

The alert of the attack was raised on Saturday morning when Acting Detective Inspector Wayne Duckery travelled to the trading post on a routine patrol. Duckery said, “I came round the bend and there it was, a smoking pile of wood. Then I looked closer, and outside what had once been the door was the mark of Chunga. I hightailed it out of there.”

The mark of Chunga is the Hokkicokki mischief sign – a declaration of devilry and reckless criminal intent. The mark has not been seen in Green Hills since the revolt of 1912 and it was hoped it would never be seen again after the dreadful shenanigans that left the then Mayor infertile and lame.

Possible sighting of Mr. Percy Humpet

The whereabouts of Mr. Humpet is already the subject of intense gossip and speculation fuelled by the account of Master Lucian Spenser (12). Master Spenser reported to anyone who would listen that on Sunday evening while playing in Pastor's Field he saw a fat old man walking clumsily with his arms outstretched making a low groaning noise. It was once said that the Hokkicokki had the power to turn ordinary men into zombies with a mere touch to the forehead. Lucian Spenser was unavailable for comment after his father, Reverend Spenser said he had enough excitement for one week, and so had Lucian (boom boom. Ed).

The Mark of Chunga on
Panchestor Xmas tree

The hope that this was an isolated incident of Chunga was crushed when the Christmas lights were switched on, and there, illuminated on the tree, was the mark of Chunga. How the Hokkicokki got to the tree is unknown.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Merkin

Mr. Merry Protests shortly before Arrest

Max Merry (54) was arrested on Tuesday after demonstrating dressed as a ghoulish Santa Claus outside The Munché Perfumery and Haberdashery in Hornstown. Even as diminutive lesbian police officer, Jennifer Ashton (23), pushed the blacksmith into the back of the Black Maria Mr. Merry was heard to cry out, “I want my merkin and I want it now!”.

Officer Ashton said, “I was called to the haberdashery by the owner Miss Elanda Munché. Miss Munché was in a distressed state, but managed to accuse Mr. Merry of threatening behaviour. This is a very serious complain and we will be treating it with the upmost gravity.”

The self-styled taxidermist and blacksmith was kept in the police cells overnight, then released on bail on the Wednesday. After returning to his stables to see to his thriving business Mr. Merry rode straight over to the offices of The Hornstown Herald to give his side of the story.

Munche Perfumery and
Haberdashery

Mr. Merry stated, “I had ordered a standard pink merkin with blonde highlights and tiny flashing lights. It was a christmas present for my dear sweet old mother. She might be in hospital, but she likes to look her best for the doctor and who can blame her. Anyway I went to Munché's place for the fitting and the woman went stark staring crazy. All I said was that my mother couldn't make it due to her being in hospital, but me and her are about the same size – mum was always a big woman. I thought I was doing everyone a favour, but went I dropped my pants that crazy French woman stabbed my nethers with a pair of pinking shears. She threw me out of the shop. How dare she? I am an upstanding member of this community.

Artist impression of
Max Merry wearing
merkin

“So I went back to the yard and made a sign. It is my right to protest. I can't see how anyone would have been offended by my slogan.”

Miss Elanda Munché (30) who still walks with a limp after last years Smorgasbordosaur said, “I am an open minded woman - I was born in France, in Nancy - but I am not prepared to fit a merkin on a man. Not only is there a danger of hand slippage, but Mr. Merry is a hairy man, a very hair man. How would I stick it? He needs a lawnmower, not a merkin. I do not believe the story about his mother. He spends half the time fondling horse and the other half stuffing beavers. In Nancy we have a word for men like him.”

Mr. Merry is due to appear in court in the new year and says he will represent himself, so we will look forward to that.

Electoral Disfunction

Judge for yourself.
Charlemagne's straw
on left.

Sir Wilhelm. MP

The Green Hills County elections have been won by Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II. It was the lowest turnout on record – only 14% of the population bothered to vote, and the online voting was worse.

After the count it was found that Sir Wilhelm and Liam Fox were level on votes so it was decided that they should draw straws. The drawing of straws took place at Panchestor town hall and Sir Wilhelm was judged the winner. Art expert, Mayor Downbottom said, “Old Charlemagne had a far better control of line, and light and shade. Mr. Fox's effort could have been drawn by an eight year old.”

Sir Wilhelm St. John Charlemagne II will return to Magna City Parliament when he sobers up.

Simon Sharp and his Predictive Poo

Christmas is a time for overindulgence, and I am no different from the next man – or woman. There is a cruel rejoinder to this intemperance which befalls one in the bathroom department.

As ever, after a full turkey dinner, followed by several glasses of port, and an elaborate cheese board, I had to make a rush for the toilet.

Passing a Christmas poo is a curious sensation for the anus, and complicated to decipher. The unique combination of liquid, solid, wind and rich, spicy fruit heat confuses the senses and the backdraft can create misleading smudges on the important third wipe. I once lost a thousand English pounds on Splodgenessabounds getting the 2005 UK Christmas number one with their cover version of Rolf Harris's Two Little Boys. My advice is don't bet on a Christmas poo.

Vorsprung Durch Mayer

Fick Dich Ins Knie

A German itinerant worker, Mayer von Rimsting, has been bound over to keep the peace after altering the Panchestor tree lights, to spell out fick dich ins knie. Herr von Rimsting has been travelling to Green Hills for several years to take part in the annual turkey roundup, and sprout picking. Acting Inspector Duckery said, “Rimsting was thrown out of the Panchestor Arms for urinating in the ancient well and took it out on the poor tree. No one has a clue what the message means, so I have written the phrase on a note and sent it to Angela Merkel. Hopefully she can translate it for us.”

The World In Brief

The news from around the world in as little time as possible brought to you by misanthropic malcontent, former FRY director and historical Artie Sim.

The views of Artie Sim are not necessarily the views of The Hornstown Herald.

New style RBS high street branches

Gruesomely graceless state owned banking flop, the Royal Bank of Scotland is rumoured to have approached soon to be Russian reject, Vlad the Putin, about becoming their new chief executive. A Herald mole said, “What they need at RBS is a firm hand, and Vlad has lovely firm hands. He also has the buttocks of a titan, and all his own teeth. That'll show the FSA.”

President Sarkozy

French President and pantomime favourite, Nicolas Sarkozy has been challenged to a duel by the Duke of Panchestor. The Duke believes that the twice divorced teetotaller has Angela Merkel in his sights. The Duke said, “No decent Frenchman – or woman, would accept becoming Germany's doxy stooge unless he had an ulterior motive. I know the way his mind works. It's sex, sex, sex, with his type. Angela is too good for him.” The Duke has sent trainee representative Garfield Glasscock to deliver the gauntlet.

James Murdoch or
Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant and James Murdoch are to marry. A source close to the telephone said, “Mr. Murdoch became engaged to Hugh when he only read the top of an email. He does not want any more bad press so he has decided to go through with the wedding. Mr. Grant is believed to favour a restrained off the shoulder number with a two foot sweep train and rhinestones.

Holden On To A Dream

Sir Holden Strumpet, Green Hills poet laureate, has devoured and digested Herman Melville's Moby Dick and then, from his very core, disgorged a trilogy of poems as an homage to the book.

In an extraordinary exclusive The Hornstown Herald proudly presents the second part of, what is already being called, The Holden Dick trilogy.

The Bigger Prize

A ship bucks, stalls, then thrusts on through the waves

And you stand firm. “Steadfast, drive on sailor.

The wind can conjure the devil himself,

He reckoned without the Mersey Whaler.”

Halfway across the car park you begin.

“Is the handbrake on? Did I lock the car?”

It is a great white Hillman Super Minx

D reg, nineteen-sixty-six with red trim.

A wall of water engulfs the whaler.

All is sea. “Are we locked down tight?” You say.

“Tell the engine room, more power, more steam,

Stoke that furnace, or there'll be hell to pay.”

I'm in back on the burgundy bench seat.

You're flat capped, strangling the steering wheel.

The Super Minx traverses the road on

Lissom springs,chasing peaks and riding vales.

Your only thoughts are homeward, all souls safe.

The passage is smooth, night falls, people sleep.

But you drive, eyes locked on the horizon.

Each of us knows the bigger prize will keep.

Find The Beaver

Sponsored by The Stuffing Emporium.

Somewhere in this block of letters is the word beaver (no not this one, fool). Simply find the beaver, then comment and impress other readers.

O A I L L J R Q Q O V J C O D

T E Q B L X J L B E P T C F F

X A L O Z Q K Q L O Z C O B E

U Z F M O S G G A C X U W L Q

X H K G O S C R E R C E O E W

J R Y L H H H G R Z Y H O L K

R O C A G P R L W M E U L W P

W E G M X R X R C C F K K A A

G C V P Q W E Q Y T K P K X U

H V B A A M S F K E O B U L S

A B M E E G S U Y F L U H E P

O T D F S B S Z P Y Y W L G W

W O X G V J J H Q N P S I R N

G D L W H Z A B A W M S J E S

W R I N Y F R X S H P S N K A

For sale: Fleece lined underwear.

Unisex with double gusset and a handy pocket,

they are perfect for the man – or woman

about town on a winters day. £18 ono.

Pan 9785

For sale: Sixteen foot polystyrene bust of Heddy Lamarr.

£800 or will exchange for time machine.

Pan 758

Wanted: A tiny gymnasium for my pladge of performing wasps.

No time wasters.

Pan 356

Wanted: Religious belief. Nothing too messy

or requiring complex wardrobe purchases.

Pan 34652

Editorial

Can I first take this opportunity to wish all our reader a very merry Christmas. I hope you all get what you deserve.

Also, could I attract your attention to the new donation button at the top of the news blog. You donations will help pay for my nephew, Herbert Westby, to continue all his hard work putting the Hornstown Herald online so news of Green Hills can be read around the world. We at the Herald thank you for your kindnesses.

Max Merry also got to the tree

There has been mutterings that because this issue of the Herald is sponsored by Max Merry's Stuffing Emporium we have gone easy on him in relation to the merkin fiasco. If you did not know Max you might think him a pervert, but he is in fact a well meaning social incompetent.

As I predicted in the last issue of the Herald, the Hokkicokki have returned. I am not too bothered about the tree, Mr. Humpet will be found (there is no such things as zombies), and the trading post can be rebuild. What we need to find out is, who is the pale-faced stranger? Answer that question and you will be at the root of the problem.

Again happy Christmas and we will see you in the new year.

Enoch Bentley

Oh well, better luck next year

Next Issue

Mrs Baker on keeping your marriage exciting.

“I was abused by a transgender Martian.”

New laws on trout tickling and pigeon fancying.